Depression sucks

Namaste bi***es!

Pretty much!

I tell you what, these fu***ng dreams I’ve been having!

I dreamt last night that I lost my bookmark and I was so panicked! I mean, it IS a really beautiful bookmark it’s made of wood and I bought it from the forestry centre (or whatever the f**k it’s called) in Baradine!

And as I do, when I wake up from a nightmare, I go and check on whatever it was that I dreamt about!

She’s safe! 🥰

Weird I know. My stress dreams are so stupid!

I have parasomnia! I developed it when I was really young from the trauma and it has only gotten worse from there. It’s not always bad. Just when I get stressed!

This is generally the process

• Erratic dreams - which I’ve been having every night for months. I don’t remember the dream I just get flashes of it through the day. It’s really trippy
• Nightmares - like what I had last night. It’s unpleasant but no big deal
• Talking - I don’t talk as much as I used to, thankfully. Sometimes it’s understandable but mostly not.
• Night-terrors - where I’m sweating, panting, crying, talking, my heart is pounding out of my chest and I think about it for days and days and the dreams are fu***ng brutal! About two weeks ago I had a dream that Kurt died and we were at the cemetery burying him. I’ve been thinking about that ever since. And that the thing about night terrors, you experience it! They are so fu***ng real! I’ve been murdered, r***d, tortured in my dreams, I’ve had loved ones r***d, murdered and tortured in front of me in dreams, an then I wake up and I have to live my day like I didn’t just go to hell and back over night!
• Walking - yup! I go walk about when I’m super stressed! Dan asks me if I’m ok if I get out of bed in the middle of the night. If I answer him, I’m awake. If I don’t answer, he monitors the situation. Once I dumped my hot water bottle water out on the carpet next to the bed. One foot away from a live power board! I have gone walk about outside twice. Once dressed and once naked.
• Sleep paralysis - this has only happened once and it was about 2 months ago. I kind of woke up but I was still asleep, I was just bumping along between the two, and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t open my eyes and I couldn’t talk. I used all the strength I had to make noises (I was calling Dan, I was awake and panicking at this point) to wake him. He thought I was having a stroke!

Absolutely terrifying!

Last night was only a nightmare so all is good at the moment. Fingers crossed it stays that way!

💛Jenxx

WARNING! THIS IS GRAPHIC AND MAY BE A TRIGGER FOR SOME!

I was 14 when David molested/r***d me!

In case any of you don't know, David is my full brother! He is 18 months older than me and he is a piece of s**t!

He was my best friend at the time. I shared a bedroom with Amy and she was being the usual miserable fu***ng bitch that she is, so I started hanging out with David. We used to smoke cigarette's, occasionally smoke w**d, listen to music like Colourbox and Frank Zappa - it was awesome! I trusted him!

I trusted him so much that he would massage my back when it started getting bad. I used to take my top off and lay face down. He would straddle my legs and unhook my bra - which I was ok with - I trusted him!

Until it happened!

At first it was just touching a bit of side b**b, which was odd but not too concerning, but it started getting to be more often and more intentional! I froze! He was hard and gyrating against my backside! I had vomit in my mouth which I swallowed over and over again. Then I guess he wanted to see how far he could take it because he reached his hand down the back of my pants and inserted a finger! I honestly don't remember what happened after that! I 'what the f**ked' myself into the next dimension!

The next thing I did remember was running out of that room, covering myself with my top, through the living room, past Debra and Andrew - who didn't look up because if they did, they would have seen a half naked Jen with tears and vomit on her face speed walking through the room, down the hallway and into the sitting room where I dressed and cleaned myself up then went to bed!

I had only lost my virginity a month before! Amy came home from school one day and said - and I quote:

"You're losing your virginity on Monday! You're wagging school and going to BJ's!"

So I did! I liked BJ. He was nice and he had a cute butt and he wanted to lose his virginity before he turned 18 the following week! He was Amy's best friend and she new he liked me so she set it up!

I don't remember how long it was until I ran away from home! I couldn't stand it. Living in that house. Sitting opposite him at the dinner table every single night. Catching the school bus together. Going to school together. We even had cadets together - so I ran away from home!

I felt safer couch surfing than in my own home!

I almost got r***d a couple of times! Once was on the staircase to the apartments out the back of Byron Place and the National Center and the other time was a drug dealer corner me and demand that I suck his c**k otherwise he'd tell his pregnant girlfriend that I tried cracking on to him and she'd beat the s**t out of me - which I didn't doubt for a second - but w**d saved me that day! He had a customer knock at the front door and I f**ked off out the back door and never looked back!

I was never harmed while I was homeless! I did have to do some shady s**t that I'm not proud of for a bit of protection, some food, a hot shower and somewhere to sleep but thankfully Debra had already taught me how to use s*xual favors to get want I want!

Never underestimate how far you'll go for your own safety!

The first time Debra dragged me "home" was after I spoke to the School Counselor, Mrs Broadley, and she contacted DOC's! The police came and took me down to DOC's and took a statement! Then DOC's needed a statement. Then somebody else needed a statement. It was humiliating!

Then they called Debra and Andrew and they came and picked me up and took me home! Well, they took me home after DOC's told them everything.

Debra asked David once and once only! - "Did you do that to your sister?"

"No Mummy! She's lying!"

And that's that! Swept under the carpet! As usual. But people would ask Debra why I was running away and she said it's because I wanted to have s*x and do drugs! She asked me on the drive home if I did any drugs and I told her I smoked some w**d. Then she asked if I was still a virgin. I said no. She asked who. I said BJ.

Then I was grounded for 6 months! Which stuck! No TV, phone, friends, music - nothing! Unless I was using the bathroom, cleaning or at school, I had to be in my room. So I wrote. A lot. I started doing poetry again. I found them a couple of months ago and holy s**t was that girl depressed! I wanted to die - I still do!

I didn't even have a safe place at school with my friends because they didn't believe me either! So now I was being bullied on top of not having any friends!

I was so incredibly lonely! I didn't have a single person on my side! So I ran away again. And again. And again. 7 times in fact, until she released me to my first foster family!

I don't know why everyone thought David needed protecting! He's a fu***ng loser! He's sick! I found out from one of his ex girlfriends that he's an abusive alcoholic and he recreates what he did to me on his girlfriends! The ex girlfriend was really curious as to why foreplay had to be so structured and exactly the same!

So she asked me and I told her! And she believed me!

She had spent a lot of time with my "family" and saw weird s**t for herself. Like how David and Debra get handsy with each other when they're drunk - I've seen it myself. How Amy asked her not to tell anybody when David beats the s**t out of her because "we really don't want anyone saying bad thing's about him!" and how, when they're asked why I cut them from my life, there was no answer! There was no answer when the ex girlfriend asked David exactly what it was that I was accusing him of either! He couldn't tell her! She'd recognise the choreography instantly!

He also had an affair with his best mates fiance! For a year! He currently has an STD and is spreading it to any poor girl that he gets his claws into! He also has at least one illegitimate children!

The ex girlfriend finally left him after he kept asking her to defecate in his mouth! She always refused until one day she went to the toilet and left it in there for him! She said he was locked in there for about 10 minutes - she never asked what he did with it!

That conversation made me spiral! I ended up on 60mg of Prozac and back in therapy! My psychologist said he is clinically sick! I knew that anyway but hearing it from a professional was reassuring!

He had another girlfriend who worked at one of the local pubs, I was friends with her, and I warned her because she has a daughter (and because she deserved the heads up) but she didn't listen. She thanked me and said it took a lot of guts to say that to her and she appreciated it. I deleted her! I did what I could. Until one day she apologised to me for not listening because she watched him cheat on her on the security cameras while she was working! Her daughter refused to be in the same room as him because she picked up on the creep factor!

This isn't the first time something like this has happened in my family either! My maternal grandmothers brother, Barry Roderick, used to kidnap, r**e and kill young girls back in the 50's! (Feel free to google him.) He had a wife and kids and everything! And he was protected! My great grandmother refused to believe that her darling son could do such a thing! Spoiler alert, he killed himself in prison! He made a weapon out of whatever he could get his hands on, held up a screw, took his gun and blew his own brains out!

It's absolutely putrid that something so hideous runs in my blood!

David f**ked up though! Once David, Andrew and I went to the Windeyer pub and got on the turps and played pool. When we got back to where we were staying, he and I got into an argument and I brought up what happened when I was 14. He burst into tears. He hugged me and begged for my forgiveness! All in front of Andrew!

BOOM! I had one person who knew it 100% happened!

He tried buying me off! He said "What do you want? I'll do anything!"

So I said "I want you to tell mum the truth!"

"I can't do that! My girlfriend will leave me!" That was it!

Dad said he would only tell Debra if she asked him. That didn't happen for another 15 years!

It was when Debra and I were 'breaking up' I guess you could say! We were fighting because she was trying to gaslight me and i told her I'd had enough of her bulls**t and that I hated her and I didn't want anything more to do with her. But before I blocked the bitch, I thought I'd drop a few home truths! I told her exactly what her precious son did to me with excruciating detail, then told her about Andrew and how he knows and "ask him! Go on! I dare ya!" (Yes I said that! No I'm not proud of it!) But she did ask him! And he told her! She still refuses to believe her son would do a thing like that! I mean, s**t, she thinks I was fu***ng Andrew after they split up! Seriously! She came up with that to disguise the situation and make me look even worse!

What kind of sick f**k thinks like that??

I was 14! My daughter turned 14 last year! It's been a rough year for me and I always new it would be! Watching my daughter live her life the way a 14 year old girl is supposed to live her life! And watching my son grow up to be a respectful boyfriend to his girlfriend of two years because he hasn't got mummy and daddy issues! He doesn't even want to drink when he's older!

I hope I've broken that cycle! I hope I've created a safe future for my kids. I hope they never have to experience what I went through! Because of that, there are no taboo topics in our house! My kids know their value! They know they're loved! They know their Mum is broken and they know why!

I am so unapologetically honest now because being lebelled a liar when you're telling the truth is nothing short of torture!

💛Jenxx

Send a message to learn more

I’m currently working on my next post - the big one! The one that did the most damage! The one I’ve been suppressing the f**k out of for years!

The one that is going to ruffle feathers!

Bear with me - this could take an hour or a couple of days!

Ya want to know what’s worse than having a parent that should never have become a parent?

Having two of them!

And then add Debra’s endless string of boyfriends and husbands along the way.

One of them was good! Andrew (who I call Dad). He stepped in and stepped up - even though back then we didn’t like him because, you know, he’s just another husband!

The others were a fu***ng joke! Debra changed her personality to suit any man she had in her bed! Our routine changed to suit them. We moved - constantly to suit them. Non stop fighting and when they were in the house, we weren’t allowed to make a sound!

I remember one of the winners, Brendan, ex cop (I guess she has a thing for ex cops cos her current husband is an ex detective), Debra met him at the Windeyer pub, and they were flirting publicly for hours while we were playing outside in the playground! We were being bought soft drinks and chips (which literally never happened) and next thing you know, they come out of the pub hand in hand, with bags of soft drink and junk food, and Debra announces we’re having a sleepover at this randoms place! All 4 of us! We don’t even know his name at this point! Off to Pyramul we go - without a choice!

Long story short, she married him! An abusive alcoholic! Who cracked a beer for breakfast and beat the s**t out of her for dinner! And they were small houses too! We heard fu***ng everything!

The cops were called a lot! Sometimes they’d show up - other times they didn’t! When they would come out though, and she had convinced him to f**k off because the cops were on their way, we would emerge from our hiding places and fill mum full of goon and ci******es and put on Anne Murray, lots of hugs, lots of kisses, until the cops turned up! (Funny how she couldn’t extend the same kind of empathy to me when I was abused but we’ll talk about that another time)

One time, I got back into contact with an old friend from primary school, and we caught up for the first time and one of the first things she said to me was “Do you remember when I stayed at your place and Brendan beat the f**k out of your mum and the cops came and we all got interviewed?”

😔 that’s what my friend thinks of when she thinks of me! And that’s not your fault Mo. Debra should never have allowed you to stay in that environment! She should never have let her children in that environment! I’m sorry that that happened. I’m absolutely humiliated by it!

I believe that was the worst beating - where he twisted a cast iron fire poker around her arm and he was going to snap her arm. It took both cops to get it off.

She finally left him not long after that, which means she already had the next suitor lined up - that’s how she did it! Relay style! Try before you buy!

So, so far we’ve touched on how my mother has taught me about alcohol, promiscuity and that a woman’s worth obviously depends on wether she has a man in her bed and if his needs are met!

That’s enough for now. I’ve still got books to cover and I’m back to work tomorrow! We’ve been closed for a week because we got locked out of the computer system! Major pain in the arse but oh well, I don’t think it’ll be around much longer anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

Make good choices

💛Jenxx

Me too Kmart tshirt! Me too!

Wow, yesterday’s post put me through the emotional wringer! I honestly lost count how many anxiety attacks I had!

I’m still drinking - obviously! I got to the day before two months without a drop and I was completely ready to 😵. I’m not even close to kidding! I think about it every day! I don’t want to hurt myself - I just don’t want to exist!

I have to break the cycle! The trauma cycle! My kids would never recover from the trauma of my 😵 just like I have never recovered from my childhood! I won’t do it to them! I’m breaking the cycle!

However, just because I’m not instantly 😵 doesn’t mean I’m not slowly 😵!

My beloved booze! My favourite pain killer! My happy juice! My personality booster!

My poison!

Pre cirrhosis! Inflamed liver! Pancreatitis! Constant chronic pain! Night sweats! Dead by 50! That’s my reality!

They said if I quit poisoning my liver 100%, it could completely rejuvenate itself! But it’s also being poisoned by a life time of pain medication. I’m not addicted to pills. I could quite easily become addicted to pills but I’ve always been very conscious about what I’m taking and how addictive it is.

I am, believe it or not, trying my absolute fu***ng hardest to get my s**t together but I take one step forward and two steps back!
I take meloxicam for my spine (xray in comments from 3 years ago) (Scheuermann’s disease type 2) which is a strong anti inflammatory. I can’t even spend 4 hours in the coffee van without a meloxicam! F**k, I can’t even go for a walk around the block without it! I’ll never be able to completely stop poisoning my liver so it can heal! That’s only an assumption! Does it actually work like that?? (Sarah? Zoe? Bianca? Chiyo?)

This post is all over the place. I thought if I just start typing, the direction would come naturally! That didn’t happen today!

Have a good day friends! Make good choices!

💛Jenxx

I’ve followed this guy for a while now and his posts are great!
Sometimes I’ll be scrolling on a bad day and one of his posts comes up and it lifts me out of the funk I’m in.
I’m glad to have a safe place to post his stuff now!