Couples parlour

Love is not all you need in a marriage
by Tim Lott, The Guardian

There are three keys to an enduring relationship. Love may be important, but communication, respect and trust are essential.

I would like to write about what makes a successful marriage, which is unfortunate, as I don’t know the answer. All I know is what a working marriage looks like close up, which is a different thing. The first thing to say about “happy marriages” is that I doubt there are many of them. Very roughly, half of all marriages end in divorce.

I suspect that of those who stay together, half are hanging on because of children, money, or fear of loneliness. Some are truly and consistently happy, out of a fortunate combination of circumstance, rather than any particular brand of love or tactic. Most of the remaining marriages, I think, are not about happiness or unhappiness, but accommodation and negotiation. And I say that as half of a married couple in which both of us have probably made one another both happy and unhappy, probably in roughly equal measure. We are very different people, but then all people are very different people. And therein lies the central problem of marriage, which asks you to spend close company with one person for years on end.

My wife and I both have a very strong sense of individuality, and I like that, but it means we have our fair share of fireworks. Anyone who does not have a lot of disagreements in a marriage is probably repressing a lot of stuff, which is liable to explode sooner or later.

I have already had one marriage that did not work out (I hesitate to call it a failed marriage because it succeeded for a fair while) and this one has already lasted a lot longer, which I take as a good sign. We have the basics – we love each other – but that is just the beginning. To me, there are three keys to marriage and they are all very difficult to forge.

The first is communication, which I have written about here before and which I don’t intend to go into again. Suffice to say that good communication requires practice, goodwill, determination and a considerable amount of inborn talent.

The second is respect, which in many ways is more important than love. Love comes and goes, but respect endures, and provides the space for love to flow after the ebb, which is bound to come in all long marriages sooner or later.

The third is trust. And this is the hardest of all, because if you have ever been let down – and we all have – reconstructing the trust is difficult. This isn’t about infidelity, but many small matters – broken promises, bad intentions, frustrated hopes.

You have to trust, even though you have no guarantee you won’t be let down, and then, if you are let down, trust again, and then again. You must keep doing this as long as you are humanly able to, and your marriage will either stand or fall on it. This requires what I call the power of “forgettory” as opposed to memory. You need to forget and forget again about any perceived hurts and mistreatment. Dragging the weight of the past behind you will drag you down in the end.

But you will never, can never, “get there”, because there is nowhere to get to. A marriage is a moving process, a living thing, and if it stops being fed with these existential nutrients, it will finally expire. Complacency and laziness is what kills marriage, far more than lack of love, and that is why it is often described as hard work. But no work is ultimately more rewarding

Written By Tim Lott, for The Guardian

Comment here and at our page.

www.couplesparlour.com is for sale.
Contact Email: [email protected]

Couplesparlour.com:Couples:Advice:Relationships:Questions Couplesparlour.com is a blog site for you to learn about some common relationships mistakes and issues, that will help you have a long lasting and peaceful relationship with your partner or your spouse.

Marriage Communication: 3 Common Mistakes and How To Fix Them

By Erika Krull, MSEd, LMHP

Good communication is the foundation of a strong marriage. Many marriages could be saved if spouses improved the ways they communicate with each other.

It’s often the simplest bad habits that get couples into trouble. Once a marriage gets on a rough track, negativity grows. Problems escalate as both spouses repeat their mistakes again and again. Take a look at the following communication mistakes and learn how they can be resolved.

1. Yelling at your spouse.

When you feel angry, you probably start raising your voice. Anger creates tension. As tension builds, you look for a way to release or express it. Yelling at your spouse becomes a quick and easy option, although it often causes more trouble than relief.

It may feel good to unleash your tension on your spouse when they upset you, but the sense of satisfaction is often short-lived. Whatever you say in your angry state is likely to add fuel to the fire.

Yelling unleashes lots of strong, negative emotion. No matter what you are trying to communicate at that point, the emotion is going to take center stage. That’s what captures the listener’s attention most. Unfortunately, your spoken message will be diminished or even misunderstood, because you set up your partner to be defensive and frustrated rather than responsive and understanding.

It’s not that you can’t express some strong emotion when you speak – you’re not a robot, after all. But yelling goes well beyond the line. It sets the stage for an exchange of heated emotions rather than clearly communicated words. Even if your emotion is the message you need to share, a purely emotional exchange can easily transform into an exhausting, destructive habit. At some point, emotions need to be communicated in a way that allows you to move past them, not fuel them.

Let Your Words Speak Volumes To Your Spouse

When you can keep your emotion in check, your message can really shine through. This doesn’t mean you should try to shove your emotions out of the way. They may be a very important part of your situation. But remember – the whole point of communicating is to be clearly understood. To do that, your channel of communication must go two ways. Excessive emotion interferes with that. Take a little time alone to help you ride the wave of feelings and let them settle on their own.

Another option is to take a quick exercise break before you continue the conversation. Exercise is a terrific stress reducer and it can easily distract you from your intense feelings. It’s pretty tough to focus on your troubles when you are nearly out of breath … You may also find it helpful to write out the things you want to say so you take care to deliver your message more clearly.

It’s OK to take your time talking about something that makes you really emotional. You’ll get through the problem more easily if you can keep your spouse on your side instead of pushing them away.

2. Having a Competitive Attitude.

Some competition is OK, but anything that isn’t mutual and playful could build a wall.

Competition is all around us. Football games on TV, soccer games at the high school, getting ahead at work, Christmas displays in the neighborhood — you name it and someone will try to win it. You may have to stay ahead of the game in some areas of your life, but your marriage is not one of them. When one person is always the winner, both spouses lose.

Maybe a little competition between the two of you at the racquetball court is OK. And perhaps you can rib each other with your basketball tournament predictions. But that’s about it. Anything that isn’t mutual and playful could build a wall between you.

If you find yourself building a “case” in the back of your mind with supporting bullet points for every disagreement, you may win the argument nearly every time. However, you may do more to exhaust and demoralize your spouse than anything else.

Think about Why You Need To Win

A person with emotional insecurities may overcompensate by trying to look superior to his or her spouse. When they stay on top, they feel stronger and more confident. They may have trouble being vulnerable, even with their spouse. To do so would expose their insecurities. This would clash with their belief that they are successful.

Does this sound like you? Does your spouse tire of your victory dance and your need to always have the upper hand? Maybe they just want you to come back to earth a little. They are probably far happier to be around you when you show some imperfections. You may not be used to your spouse showing tenderness toward you. If you married a great person, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You don’t have to win to feel satisfied.

3. Making Marriage about Me Instead of We.

Have you ever stopped to listen to the chatter going on in your mind? Most likely, it’s focused on you — what you look like, how you just messed something up, what you have on your schedule later, what you are looking forward to, etc.

Naturally, this chatter is somewhat biased because it’s from your perspective. But how about the chatter that relates to your spouse? Is it all about how much fun you will have later, what you expect from your husband or wife, and what kind of mood you are in?

Take Your Spouse’s Viewpoint and Make Their Day Better

Generosity and considerate behaviors can go a long way toward nurturing a great marriage. Instead of wondering if they’ll ever load the dishwasher right, do something you know your spouse will appreciate. Be forewarned: they may not throw you a ticker-tape parade because you did it. Don’t get caught up in the “what’s in it for me” trap again.

If you continue a pattern of being more generous and thoughtful toward your spouse, they’ll eventually say or do something as a response. They might hold their comments back at first because they don’t know if this trend will stick. They may be waiting to see if this generosity is a gimmick or a set of new, positive habits. When they see that you are genuine and consistent with your efforts over time, your message will be clear. Let those selfish thoughts pass by and keep doing loving things for your spouse.

Here’s another secret about making an effort like this: Feelings follow actions. In other words, you may not feel loving at first when you do these generous acts. If they don’t say anything at first, you may really wonder why you are bothering at all. Keep going anyway. The more you act with generosity, the more you’ll naturally feel generous and loving toward your spouse.

Change Marriage Communication Mistakes by Changing Habits

It takes some practice to change old marriage communication mistakes. It’s amazing how the energy between spouses can change so much with just a few changes. When you understand how it all fits together, you can make real progress in your relationship right away.

This article was written for psychcentral.com, by Erika Krull, MSEd, LMHP

Comment here and at www.couplesparlour.com

Self Esteem

Low self-esteem is something that I have struggled with all my life. Living with this condition has kept me from being the kind of woman God had intended for me to be. Growing up I was very shy and sensitive and very quick to get my feelings hurt. Any kind of criticism was taken personally, and along with feeling inferior, I felt afraid of everything. I was afraid of trying something new; afraid of making myself look stupid and mostly just afraid of failing. What causes this circus of mixed emotions? The negative thoughts and hurtful comments I believed about myself kept me from being the real me.

Words can build you up or break you down. No matter what harsh words are thrown your way, remember they can only hurt if you let them. Don’t allow the world to dictate who you are. Remember ladies: We are daughters of a King! We need to focus on our value through the eyes of our King. He created you and formed you for a purpose. It’s up to each individual to rise above the negative self-thinking that sometimes permeates us.

God has blessed each one of us with abilities and talents. It is up to us to nurture and grow those blessings and give them back to the world. You were created with a purpose. You came into this life with a purpose. What tugs at your heart? What captures your imagination? What are you passionate about? Pray about it and ask God for guidance. I don’t mean lip service; your request really has to come from your heart and be persistent! God may not always give us the answer right away or tell us what we want to hear, but we need to be relentless in our request.

Building your self-esteem won’t come overnight. The enemy is always around the corner trying to say or do anything to bring you down. He doesn’t want you to break out of this feeling of low self-worth. His strategy is to keep you feeling down about yourself as often as possible to keep you from doing great things. I don’t know about you, but that makes me mad!

Here are some tips I hope will help you on your new outlook at just how precious you really are:

1. Stop your negative self-talk. Stop the harmful conversation you tell yourself. Negative talk only brings down your feeling of what you are worth. If you constantly put yourself down, you will start believing that you are worthless.

2. Acknowledge your value. Write down all your strengths and the special talents and blessings God as given you. We can delight in our talents and gifts, even more so knowing that Christ works through those gifts. He makes them more powerful than they could ever be on their own. Don’t get sidetracked from God’s truth and back into worldly thinking.

3. Read scripture and uplifting literature. Read an inspiring bible verses daily. Reading scripture gives you a greater sense of gratitude of our Heavenly Father. Our Father (the King!) is in a partnership with us and promises to never leave or forsake us. We just need to remember to keep Him close in our day-to-day lives.

4. Don’t tear down others. Be careful what you say about people and negative talk that comes out of your mouth. Gossip and negative stories can only cause hurt feelings and devastating blows to ones self-esteem. This is especially important when speaking to little ones. Children’s feelings are fragile and causing them to feel bad about themselves can have lasting damaging effects into their adulthood.

5. Pray! Be in prayer constantly. I silently pray to myself when I’m about to face a new challenge or strolling through the park on one of God’s glorious days. You don’t need to drop to your knees in the middle of Wal-Mart (but if it helps you, knock yourself out!) I silently pray for guidance and strength to get me through the day.

6. Be an Encourager. Make it your mission to seize the opportunities to be a self-esteem builder. Set the example by focusing on talents and traits God has placed in you and encourage and nurture others around you. We often feel our lack of happiness can be fixed by getting from the world. The real joy comes from giving instead of receiving. Ephesians 4:29

Do not use harmful words in talking. Use only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.

7. Don’t base your worth on material possessions. Real self-esteem does not come from what you can acquire. Sometimes we can become disillusioned and think that material positions measure our worth. That goes back to worldly thinking. Your true value is not measured by your financial statement, job title or trophies. Having peace and contentment with who you are is something no one can take away from you.

The answer to our happiness and peace within ourselves is in Jesus and His magnificent love for us and how He demonstrated that by dying on the cross. Remember, we have been created for a purpose and all that lies within us is from Him. God is the ultimate perfectionist and we should be content with how He formed us. Have a sense of genuine self-love and respect for yourself that results from seeing yourself the way God sees you. What better complement do you need than that!

Written for www.womenupliftingwomen.com

Comment here and at www.couplesparlour.com

Assumptions

Do you ever make assumptions about people you like and don’t like? Do you assume you know how they will react to events or bad news? Do you make assumptions about their motives or desires?

When we get to know someone over a long period of time it is natural to think we know how they will react. Sometimes that gets us into trouble.

When we are working toward strengthening or mending a relationship, we often make wrong assumptions about the other person. This ultimately leads to failure within the relationship. During relationship building, if we build a foundation based on assumptions rather than direct communication, we are likely to falter because our assumptions may not be correct.

In well established relationships, we often have a rock solid foundation. Over time, we begin to assume that we know the person so well, that we know exactly how they will think, feel and react. We feel so safe within the relationship that we may not notice when someone has changed.

People constantly change and how we may have reacted long ago may be very different than how we would react today. Individuals grow and change. They take on new hobbies and they like things they formerly loathed. This is the nature of personal growth. If the other person fails to recognize the changes their partner has made, and assumes everything is the same as it always was, it can unravel a relationship.

A good rule of thumb is to never make assumptions about the thoughts, feelings and actions of another, no matter how long you have known them. In order to do that, we need to become aware of what we are assuming. Many of our assumptions are so ingrained that we may not be aware that what we know for fact is simply an assumption. That can lead us down a very destructive path where we are often dismayed by our partner calling us out on something we ‘knew’ to be true. It is absolutely critical to the health of relationships that we become aware of our assumptions.

Once we are attuned to our assumptions we can overcome them by asking questions. The simplest way is to simply ask a direct question. You will have to be careful about how you frame the question, but if you do so in a caring and loving manner, you will most likely get the answers you seek because your sincerity and interest in the other person will strengthen and revitalize your bond.

October 20, 2011 by hsm

Share your comments here and at www.couplesparlour.com

When Apologies Are Words

All relationships have their ups and downs. The best way to handle problems is to communicate with your partner. However, sometimes it isn’t easy to express yourself, especially when you try to bring up a problem and your partner:
•Gives you the silent treatment
•They bulldoze you
•They minimize your feelings

If you are in a relationship with someone who stonewalls your attempts to discuss issues, then it can lead to major problems in a relationship. It can be very difficult to solve problems when your partner does not want to be aware of the issues, does not want to be accountable or responsible toward you or about themselves. Sometimes, they have the uncanny ability to disconnect themselves from their actions and act as if nothing happened at all.

People with dysfunctional communication styles often believe can ignore their problems, or, if they chose to not acknowledge them all, pretend they don’t exist. This is a form of placebo feeling like they are erasing the past.

With such an attitude, they operate in their own private bubble doing and saying whatever they please no matter what you say, or how much you protest. They don’t want to discuss anything that may force them to be accountable for their own behavior and actions, especially when they have behaved badly. They refused to be challenged and will try to penalize you for attempting to do so. They will create so much conflict that you come to feel the effort is not worth the aggravation. Essentially, you give in. If your partner does not understand what they did to cause you hurt or to fracture your relationship, then there is no way to prevent it from happening again.

People who want to be in an honest relationship are prepared to be honest with themselves and their partner. They know that conversations can sometimes be uncomfortable. They know they sometimes are to blame and have to admit fault. People who refuse to acknowledge any of these things are dangerous people to involved with.

When you continually sweep the issues under the rug, pretend there isn’t a problem, and a myriad of other methods to not address problems, you become disconnected from your actions. This in turn makes it difficult for you to see how you behavior impacts others as well as how it impacts you.

People like this always think the problems that keep reoccurring in their life are due to bad luck and someone else’s problem. They never look at themselves as the source. They think in the short-term and never think about consequences. They do whatever they please and try to rewrite history to suit what makes them feel more comfortable. The distort the real version of events in order to make themselves look like victims when often, they are the persecutor.

We have all met people like this. You meet a guy who tells you he is broken-hearted. His long-term girlfriend dumped him for another guy. He feels victimized and betrayed. When you get to the meat of the story, you find out that he treated his girlfriend terribly and cheated on her multiple times. Yet to the world and himself, HE IS THE VICTIM.

People like this will often try to screw with your mind. They will tell you one thing, and then immediately tell you something that contradicts it. And then they will claim they never changed their story. No one should feel they have liberty to feed you an alternative realty and wound you in the process.

People who act out of love, care, trust and respect don’t behave this way. Anyone who expects you to disregard their contradictory actions does not have your best interest at heart. It’s best to not allow people like this to bully you into returning into a relationship where you weren’t treated with decency. Don’t even try to rationalize such behavior because people like this never feel enough consequences to behave properly unless you remain firm in your right to be treated with respect.

If you feel ill at ease and unhappy, it is a sign that things are unresolved. Don’t allow them to minimize how you feel. You should call them out on their behavior and if they aren’t willing to work with you in resolving things on an equal playing field, then they don’t deserve to be in a relationship with you.

November 8, 2011 by hsm

Comment here and at www.couplesparlour.com

Compatibility in Marriage: The Core Value of Love

Over the past 30 years, we have learned much about what makes great marriages tick – about what makes them successful. Even in spite of ominous odds from time to time, the best marriages survive and thrive, and we know why! They survive and thrive because they are committed to the Core Values present in all great marriages and successful loving relationships. Here they are in a nutshell.

1. The couple in love is committed to always putting each other first in their relationship with each other. The first thing you notice in all highly successful loving relationships is that those who purport to be in love recognize that their relationship is not about you and me, it is about US. Discovering that YOU are not the center of the universe is the hallmark of a great relationship.
Actually putting another human being number one is a powerful indication that you are truly in love.

2. The couple in love is committed to democracy in their relationship. Always remember, successful loving relationships are egalitarian. Namely, the best relationships understand that theirs is a shared relationship. If one person has all the power and makes all the decisions, it is NOT love! True love is a very democratic thing!

3. The couple in love is committed to ensuring their mutual happiness. Remember, true love is not just about ensuring your happiness. More importantly, and often for the first time in your life, you actually enjoy and are motivated by ensuring the happiness of someone other than yourself. It is a good feeling!

4. The couple in love values absolute trustworthiness and integrity in their relationship with each other. If you cannot trust the one you love, then it is not true love! Trust us on that. The most successful loving relationships report that they trust their mate unequivocally and without hesitation. To violate that trust is to undermine and, ultimately destroy, the relationship with the one you say you love.

5. The couple in love is committed to caring and unconditional love for each other. When you truly love someone you do so without conditions. It is not about loving you IF . . . True love is unconditional.

6. The couple in love is committed to being mutually respectful towards each other. There is a Golden Rule in true love and it is like the one you learned early in your life – “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Do not expect to be treated with respect when you are disrespectful to the one you love. Respectfulness is at the heart of all great loving relationships.

7. The couple in love values their mutual sense of responsibility for each other. People in love care for each other in ways that they have never cared for another human being. They feel a sense of responsibility for another person that they have never felt before. It feels so good to put another’s needs above your own. To do so is to love deeply.

The Core Values of all successful loving relationships are at the heart of the matter. If you and your mate master these values, your love will, in all probability, last a lifetime. In love and marriage the simple things matter.

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

10 Rules for Friendly Fighting for Couples
By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

For some people, this is a truly radical idea: There is no need to fight with your partner. Ever. Accusations, recriminations, character assassination, threats, name-calling, and cursing, whether delivered at top volume or with a quiet sarcastic sneer, damage a relationship, often irrevocably. Nobody needs to be a monster or to be treated monstrously. Nobody who yells will ever be heard. In the heat of a moment, it is always a choice whether to go for a run or run your partner down.

On the other hand, no two people in the world, no matter how made for each other they feel, will ever agree about everything at all times. (It would be quite boring if they did.) Couples do need to be able to negotiate differences. They do need to have room for constructive criticism. They do need a way to assert opinions and to disagree. And they do need to have a way to express intense feelings (that the other person may not understand or support) without feeling that they will be judged as lacking for doing so.

A healthy relationship requires knowing the skills necessary for “friendly fighting” — dealing with conflict respectfully and working together to find a workable solution. Friendly fighting means working out differences that matter. It means engaging passionately about things we feel passionate about, without resorting to hurting one another. It helps us let off steam without getting burned. Friendly fighting lets us “fight” and still stay friends.

Couples in mature, healthy relationships seem intuitively to understand the notion of friendly fighting. Some people have been fortunate enough to grow up in families where their parents modeled how to disagree without being disagreeable. Others were so horrified by the way their folks treated each other that they refuse to repeat the behavior in their own relationships. Most couples, though, learn the art of friendly fighting by working it out together and supporting each other in staying in close relationship even when differences mystify, frustrate, and upset them. Most come up with stated or unstated rules for engagement that are surprisingly similar.

Below are some tips to ensure that conflicts will strengthen your marriage instead of harm it.

Ten rules for friendly fighting: or how to ensure that conflicts will strengthen your marriage instead of harm it.
1.Embrace conflict. There is no need to fear it. Conflict is normal, even healthy. Differences between you mean that there are things you can learn from each other. Often conflict shows us where we can or need to grow.

2.Go after the issue, not each other. Friendly fighting sticks with the issue. Neither party resorts to name calling or character assassination. It’s enough to deal with the problem without adding the new problem of hurting each other’s feelings.

3.Listen respectfully. When people feel strongly about something, it’s only fair to hear them out. Respectful listening means acknowledging their feelings, either verbally or through focused attention. It means never telling someone that he or she “shouldn’t” feel that way. It means saving your point of view until after you’ve let the other person know you understand that they feel intensely about the subject, even if you don’t quite get it.

4.Talk softly. The louder someone yells, the less likely they are to be heard. Even if your partner yells, there’s no need to yell back. Taking the volume down makes it possible for people to start focusing on the issues instead of reacting to the noise.

5.Get curious, not defensive. Defending yourself, whether by vehemently protesting your innocence or rightness or by turning the tables and attacking, escalates the fight. Instead of upping the ante, ask for more information, details, and examples. There is usually some basis for the other person’s complaint. When you meet a complaint with curiosity, you make room for understanding.

6.Ask for specifics. Global statements that include the words “always” and “never” almost always get you nowhere and never are true. When your partner has complaints, ask to move from global comments of exasperation to specific examples so you can understand exactly what he or she is talking about. When you have complaints, do your best to give your partner examples to work with.

7.Find points of agreement. There almost always are parts of a conflict that can be points of agreement. Finding common ground, even if it’s agreeing that there is a problem, is an important start to finding a common solution.

8.Look for options. Fighting ends when cooperation begins. Asking politely for suggestions or alternatives invites collaboration. Careful consideration of options shows respect. Offering alternatives of your own shows that you also are willing to try something new.

9.Make concessions. Small concessions can turn the situation around. If you give a little, it makes room for the other person to make concessions too. Small concessions lead to larger compromises. Compromise doesn’t have to mean that you’re meeting each other exactly 50-50. Sometimes it’s a 60-40 or even 80-20 agreement. This isn’t about scorekeeping. It’s about finding a solution that is workable for both of you.

10.Make peace. An elderly friend who has been married for 68 years tells me that she and her husband made a rule on their wedding day never to go to bed angry. They agreed from the outset that the relationship is more important than winning arguments. Sometimes this meant they stayed up very, very late until they came to a workable compromise. Sometimes it meant that one or the other of them decided the issue wasn’t really important enough to lose sleep over. Since they both value the marriage, neither one gave in or gave up most of the time. When one did give in or give up, the other showed appreciation and made a peace offering of his or her own. These folks still love each other after 68 years of the inevitable conflicts that come with living with another person. They are probably onto something.

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. She writes regularly for Psych Central as well as Psych Central's Ask the Therapist feature, and has published the insightful parenting e-book, Tending the Family Heart