Grieving husband

When my wife passed away and everyone had already cried, it was just me and her in the room. I asked God why He took her from me. Was it to end her suffering? Am I supposed to be thankful?
I was angry, broken, and crying. Even before that morning, even though I already knew what might happen, I kept begging God not to take her away. I asked Him to heal her. I didn’t want anything else in this world. I never cared for gadgets or traveling—my happiness was simply being with my wife. She knew that.
The only thing that ever made me truly happy was seeing her happy. Then our children came, and my love grew even more.
It has been seven months since she left. Christmas came. New Year came. Her birthday came last December. And I am still hurting. As I write this, I can’t stop crying.
I feel alone—not because I have no one, but because I no longer have my wife. I have my children who give me strength, my family who supports me, and friends who try to pull me back into life.
But I still ask myself what I am supposed to do now. I know she is no longer here. I know I won’t see her again in this life. I loved my wife more than my own life.
I just wish we had more time.
Even just a little more. 😔

Am I ungrateful?
Every day, I wish it had been me instead of my wife. She died of cancer last May 16, 2025, and the pain never leaves. I feel like she would have taken better care of our kids than I ever could. She deserved a long, happy life—more than me.
I miss her so much. As I write this, I can’t stop crying. All I want is to see my wife again, even just once, so I can tell her how much she means to me.
Every day I cry, because no matter what I do, I know I will never see my wife again.
God, sobrang sakit po. 😢

I don’t know if anyone can relate to what I’m about to share, but I’ll say it anyway.

I feel so ashamed every time I have to ask for help. People don’t know that it’s never my intention to burden anyone. No one is more disappointed in me than myself. This is not who I am. I wasn’t raised this way. But it feels like if I don’t reach out, I might completely fall apart.

I just need help right now. I know in my heart that after this, I’ll be able to stand on my own again. I understand that others may not see it that way, especially because I struggle to explain myself. Still, all I ask is for a little trust.

I truly believe that a time will come when I won’t need to ask for help anymore—when I’m back on my feet, when I can provide for my children, save for their future, and be the one helping others instead.

Right now, I just need someone to have faith in me.

I have so much on my mind and my head feels heavy. I don’t even know where to start. I keep asking people for help even though I really don’t want to bother anyone. But it feels like I have to, because if I don’t, I don’t know what I might end up doing.

I understand how life works — not everything will go my way. And the people who choose to help you when you have nothing… those are the ones you never forget, the ones you give back to when you finally have something. And now I know who those people are.

Aside from my grief, there are so many other things weighing on me. Sometimes I just want everything to end… but I love my kids too much. They are the reason I keep holding on. I just need to stay strong for them.

“December feels different for everyone — for some it’s joyful, but for others like me, it’s stressful and heavy. It feels endless, and I’m tired. I just want all of this to finish so I can start again. I feel like I’m drowning. I just need help… there are things I can’t say out loud, so I need you to trust me.”

I may look okay on the outside, but I’m really stressed with everything happening in my life right now — still, I choose to keep going. My struggles won’t end this year, but I want you to know that ending your life is never the solution. Sometimes you may think about it, but real bravery is facing each day even without certainty.

People won’t always respond the way you hope, and that’s okay. Take things slowly. As time moves forward, the weight you’re carrying will feel lighter. I know it’s heavy now, but keep going. Fight a little more each day. You’re stronger than you think.

Earlier today while I was lying down with my youngest daughter, I asked her, “Anak, do you miss your mom?”
She said, “Of course, Papa. Why wouldn’t I miss her?”
I told her, “I miss her all the time, anak.”
Then I asked what she misses the most, and she told me she misses how they used to draw together — how they would close their eyes and pick a color. She said she can’t do that anymore.

My heart just broke. Hearing that felt so painful. I couldn’t help but cry while talking to her. I feel so sorry for my daughter… I just want to do everything I can to bring back even a little bit of the joy she lost. Even now, while typing this, I’m still crying.

I miss you so much, Mahal ko. Life hasn’t been easy without you. It feels like our love story was cut too short. Fourteen years… and I don’t believe that’s just a coincidence. Ever since I was young, I loved the name Trisha without knowing why. When I started playing ball, the only number I ever wanted was 14. It just happens that your birthday is on the 14th… and God only gave us 14 years together.

Am I supposed to be angry at Him? He gave you to me, but He took you back too soon. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel—I’m still lost. All I know is that I miss you deeply. God, it hurts so much.

Nagising ako ngayong umaga, umiiyak.
I dreamt of you, Ma.
Nagde-date daw tayo — ang random ng panaginip pero sobrang vivid.
Habang magkasama tayo, tumutugtog yung "When You Love Someone" ni Bryan Adams.
Pagkagising ko, paulit-ulit ko siyang pinapatugtog.

Hindi ko na maalala lahat ng napagkwentuhan natin…
Kasi habang nagsasalita ka, nakatingin lang ako sa’yo.
Parang may part sa’kin na alam na panaginip lang talaga ‘to —
Andyan ka, pero ramdam kong panandalian lang.

Ang dami mong sinabi — as usual, halos ikaw na lang ang nagsasalita hahaha.
Tapos sa dulo, napa-English ka pa. Sabi mo:
“You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy, Papa.”
So step up.

I know I didn’t get the chance to respond in the dream, pero kung pwede ko lang sanang sabihin:
Magkakasama pa rin tayo sa dulo. Hihintayin kita.

Naiyak na lang ako pagkagising. Mixed emotions, sobra.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko.
Napa-search pa ako ng ibig sabihin ng sinabi mo. Naiintindihan ko naman,
pero gusto ko lang ng mas malalim na paliwanag.

At ito ‘yung lumabas:

Ang buhay, laging may kasamang sakit, pagod, at problema. Pero hindi ibig sabihin kailangan mong hintayin na mawala ang lahat ng ‘yon bago mo piliing maging masaya.
Kahit may lungkot, kahit may pinagdadaanan, may karapatan ka pa ring maging masaya. Minsan, ang simpleng pagtanggap at pagpili ng konting ligaya kahit mahirap ang sitwasyon — ‘yon na ang tunay na lakas.
Kaya ngayon, pipiliin ko pa rin… kahit papaano, maging masaya.

Habang tinatype ko ‘to, tumutugtog pa rin yung When You Love Someone.
Tapos si Alice biglang nagtanong,
“Papa Mon, you will never love someone, only Mama lang?”
Ay pati si Kuya Uriel, and ako rin?

Alam mo naman ang sagot ko, Ma.
Always, ikaw lang.For you, Ma.
Always. 💔🌻

Every night, whether I’m thinking about happy memories with my wife or the painful moments when her health was declining, I can’t help but cry. I always remember those nights when I still had to work, thinking that I had to do what others are privileged not to. Time hasn’t been kind to people like us — we lose so much of it just trying to survive.

I’ve always valued time, and even in my wife’s eulogy, I spoke about its importance. But now, I feel empty. And there’s nothing I can do — every second that passes is already gone. It hurts so much. It’s only been seven months since I lost the love of my life, but words can’t describe the pain.

As I go through this grieving process, so many questions fill my mind. Why? Why us? Why my kids? Why her parents, her siblings, her nieces and nephews? Sometimes I just find myself talking, saying random things, because it’s been seven months and I’m still lost.

I feel alone, but I know I have to keep going — like people say, “Just move forward, everything will be okay.” Still, the same question remains… why?

I just wanted my wife to see our kids grow up. We never wished for a luxurious life — we didn’t need that. Taking the kids out once a week would’ve been enough for us. My wife was simple, and like everyone else, we both had our imperfections.

What makes it hard is that she was taken from me too soon. But the truth is, life is only borrowed.

Should I be angry? Should I feel bitter? I don’t know. How long will this feeling last? Nobody knows.

Am I hurting? Yes — every time someone asks how I’m doing. I’ll never say I’m okay, because I’m not. This kind of pain is something no one ever wants to feel… but eventually, everyone will.

😢💔

Twelve years ago… nakita ko sa post ng asawa ko,
sabi niya:

> “Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Okay na ulit ako. Hehe :)”

At simple lang sagot ko noon,

> “Ok good.”
Tapos sabi lang niya,
“Hehe.”

Ang gaan lang ng usapan namin noon, parang wala lang…
pero ngayon, habang binabalikan ko ‘yon, grabe… ibang bigat na.
Hindi ko alam na isa pala ‘yon sa mga simpleng sandaling mamimiss ko nang ganito.
Yung simpleng “hehe” niya, ngayon parang musika na gusto kong marinig ulit kahit isang beses lang.

Nakakatawa kung iisipin, pero sa pagitan ng “inhale” at “exhale,”
nandun pala lahat ng alaala, pagmamahal, at buhay naming magkasama.
Miss na miss kita, Love.
Hanggang ngayon, tinuturo mo pa rin sa ’kin huminga… kahit wala ka na. 💔🌹

— Para sa ’yo, at sa bawat “inhale, exhale” na patuloy kong ginagawa dahil sa pagmamahal mo.