Under My Scars

Wow it’s been a long while since I done a blog. Maybe some thought I simply dropped off the planet but no I have been busy. Busy is how I roll now. For a quick update in a nut shell it goes a little something like this….
July of 2022 I quit my bu****it job at the school making chump change. I have had enough of waking up early and going in like a robot to do a job that constantly threw my shoulder out and had me in pain and took the leap as a property manager to manage rental houses and actually start using my brain where it would be put to good use. Also sold my home back up in Connecticut in 2022 and took the money and bought another home down here in Georgia and added it to the rental homes I manage. Rental business has its ups and downs but for the most part it’s been a learning experience and I learn something new everyday. Keeps me busy. Also on October 8 of 2022 I got married. Yeah you heard me right. Never thought I’d ever do it again but like they say, when you stop looking and you’re in the right place with yourself s**t just happens out of nowhere. Beautiful but hectic wedding in Tybee Island at The Pirate Fest married by a Pirate lol. I wouldn’t have had it any other way and every year we shall celebrate our anniversary surrounded by my Pirate family. This man I married doesn’t like for his life to be blasted on social media so I will honor that. Any way this blog is about my life and a peek inside my head. I will say that I finally found happiness due to changing my ways and as he said in the beginning..stop looking in the dumpster and give me a date. That’s how it started after a year of friendship. Took him a year to get a date lol
2022 wasn’t all happy though. I lost my dear cousin Vickie from that awful word cancer. That was a tough blow. She was my rock growing up along with Dina who I also lost in 2021 to that god awful word. My father called us the three stooges growing up. Dina was Moe, I was Larry and Vickie was Curly hence her curly hair. We were always together and then we all grew up and had our families but at Christmas we would all get together again and catch up on life. Man how I miss them both. Sometimes you think you have forever with people but it’s like that poem about the train, everybody is on this train and you never know what stop each one of us is going to get off.
2023 came in like a freight train for me and was over in the blink of an eye. Between remodeling houses and the endless days of painting. A lot got done in 2023. It wasn’t always work. I had many date nights on the weekends with my other half. Even went back to Vegas for the second time and we took a week off for a Mrytle Beach trip with the family. Looking ahead into 2024 we hope to complete our last rental house and get that up and making money so we can concentrate on buying another one. Gotta get off this blog for now. I scored well over 50 dolls from an auction. Everyday I’m trying to get a few listed online to sell. My doll collection has taken over half of my 40 footer container lol. I think ahead to when I step off my stop on that train what my kids are going to do when they step foot in that container, they say the dolls are creepy so maybe they will be locked in the container like a tomb lol

It’s been awhile since I posted. As you all know I work at a school in a cafeteria and I deal with kids on a daily basis. I see attitudes, sadness, happiness, jealousy, heartbreak …I see it all as a server. No child deserves to die at school or feel scared that they are not safe. What a cruel world we live in that some sick in the head mF plans an attack on a school to do harm to young innocent children. Even though he was shot and killed I hope he burns in hell for what he has done. It’s like Sandy Hook all over again
So sad

You can be going about your business as busy as ever and the darkness creeps up and wraps it's ugly presence around you like where do you think your going...your mine forever and this cage I keep you in will forever be your home.

Tonight I'm losing yet another dear friend.I got the call tonight...it's time. We knew this day was coming but is the mind ever prepared...no...it sucks..cancer sucks. I'm glad that I did get to sit with you for two days and visit while I was back home for a funeral. I made you laugh..I'm good at that.
With all the friends I've lost so far if I could bottle my tears I'd have a lake by now.
I know no one lives forever but God damn friends have been dropping like flies these past years.
I will patiently wait for a sign you reached the otherside.
Until we meet again
God speed

Walls...we all have them but the question is How High. Mine are high and thick to protect the soul. I didn't intend to build them so high but this world we live in is cold and as the years go by it gets colder and colder. Why I have no idea...maybe it's greed, envy. Some see the energy you channel and the smile you radiate and instead of embracing it they want to break it, knock you down like how dare you be happy, be miserable. Well NO I won't. Take your negative energy and negative bu****it people and just stay away from my walls because your not going to hurt this soul... my soul anymore. So be jealous when you see me dancing and smiling and enjoying life because it's taken a long moment to get here..to be comfortable in my skin, to appreciate what I have and what I bring to a table. I bring alot.
I sit here and reflect on past chapters in my life and try to understand just what the lessons were. Why was I drawn to the same type of individuals who tried to break my spirit. Why do I sometimes still seek reasons and want answers I will never get.
Breathe.....let it go....it doesn't matter. Evict the evil squatters takin up space in your head. Easily said then done but I do take it day by day and I have been pampering this soul the best I can because I am worth it.

Just a freaky dream.....
I died on my motorcycle..didn't feel anything so there was no pain involved but I was in this in-between place talking to someone but that that I can't recall. I was told I had a brief moment to think of my family I left behind because in a moment my memory was going to be erased and I was starting over as a boy..wasn't told what my name was going to be but my memory of today and past was going to be wiped clean. I was sad and asked well what happens to the people I leave behind. I was told they will grieve but I will not know because again my memory was being reset BUT not to worry because down the road when I come to this place I just may run into a familiar face for a short period of time before being erased again.....
Weird dream I know

Just a reminder that this page is just random thoughts in my brain so sometimes s**t is dark. I'm only human and depression is real and sometimes gets the best of me and out weighs my keeping it positive. I don't believe in taking ones life but on certain days I may seem to go towards more dark thoughts. I don't like when people play with my emotions. I love deep and I believe in trust and respect and I gotta remember there are very few like me out there. This page is a place where I release energy good or bad and it's something I can look back on. It's not suppose to make sense to anyone..not even me sometimes

Do you know what sucks...being stuck in a life you no longer wish to be part of due to having a child that needs you....that sucks
End of story

It’s a hard pill to swallow when you realize just where you stand in a persons life. Sometimes the wolf has always been there but just disguised in sheep’s clothing waiting for the chance to leap.
Walls are not built out of boredom or insecurity. They are built to keep one alive…to keep going

Wow it’s been months since I posted a blog but life has been busy and going by so fast there isn’t time to breathe.
June 17th I walked into Mountain motor sports and bought me a Can am motorcycle. I’ve been wanting one for awhile now. So now every chance I get I’m out getting wind therapy and clearing my head.
June 26th and 27th I attended a safety class to get my motorcycle license which I passed with no problem and on June 29th I walked out of dmv with my motorcycle license.
I’m still not on any depressant pills and have been managing my moods pretty good. I’m at a good place in my life and have been keeping a real positive attitude and not letting so much nonsense bother me anymore. I have been putting myself first for a change and actually pampering myself. I’ve come to the conclusion that you can’t rely on people to make you happy. Half the time you can’t rely on people at all. If you want things to happen or get done you just need to dive in and do it yourself and if people offer to help then sure accept and go with it but get used to doing a lot of stuff by yourself.
Wow it’s been months since I sat down and wrote and my head is empty right now…I really got nothing to ramble about or maybe I’m just not in the mood. Well with that being said I shall say goodnight and keep this blog nice and short for today.

Ok it’s May 19, 2021
Let’s do a numb post called shutting the brain off...don’t wanna think about no more s**t. How does one shut their brain off...it’s not easy when you get stuck in your own head. I hate being in my own head. I’d rather much play therapist and go into others heads than mine. Mine is a dark dark place. I was told I haven’t a soul lol. Well maybe at one time I did have a soul before all you mother fu***rs had to mess with it. Ever think of that. This world is full of mean people. Instead of helping one another I see people kicking ones when they are down instead of reaching out and pulling them back onto their feet. Does it make you feel bigger to do this...superior perhaps...well in my eyes your an as***le
I often wonder what people feel before they pull that trigger and shut their brain off for good or step off the platform with that rope around their neck.
Is it that hard to be kind to one another?? The majority of this world is made up of selfish as***les that have nothing to do but ruin others peoples lives or end them in that matter. Can’t you be kind???