I Am

I got a new follower, yay! I hadn’t been trying to collect them and since I haven’t been writing here I figured I wouldn’t be getting any, and that was fine. But then I got a notification that someone I don’t even know began following me, which made me think maybe people want to read what I have to say? I don’t know why, but I don’t really need to know I suppose....

Alcohol, the enemy I got a new follower, yay! I hadn’t been trying to collect them and since I haven’t been writing here I figured I wouldn’t be getting any, and that was fine. But then I got a notification that some…

It’s been a long, long, long time. But I try not to post mental health stuff on my regular page, so here it is.

When I got home tonight I thought I might finish painting my kitchen cabinets or make a dump run. I was thinking about going to workout. Or I considered going through old clothes and putting together a bag for donation.

Instead, I sat down with my book, but promptly fell asleep for an hour. Made and ate dinner. And now I’m back in my chair with my book and some tea, not falling asleep this time.

I would have thought I would be mad at myself for not getting those productive things done. But I’m not! It feels good to allow some rest and to enjoy a good book without any guilt.

I love to notice even the small ways my mental health has improved! Now back to my book.

❤️

Hello! It’s been a while! I’ve been enjoying writing in my journal, just for me :), but sometimes things have to be shared, because I know how much many of you appreciate my raw honesty. I won’t be back regularly. I have no idea how often I’ll write. Just going to take it one post at a time. I recently got a new car- an electric one!...

Learning Hello! It’s been a while! I’ve been enjoying writing in my journal, just for me :), but sometimes things have to be shared, because I know how much many of you appreciate my raw honesty. I won’t be…

“The more you are focused on time—past and future—the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.”
- Eckhart Tolle

This was my activity for my practice of being present tonight. The feel of the brush in my hand, the smell of the paint, my breathing, the color, the creation.

I really like to write. But sometimes I feel like I’m writing for the reader, rather than for myself. That in order to make it interesting I need to be negative in a way that catches your attention, or positive in a way that teaches you something. Sometimes I do feel like I really do have something to say that might benefit others, but other times, I feel like I’m coming up with something to say just because it’s been awhile, so I feel I “should” write, or I end up writing about my personal life, in a way that is not interesting or enjoyable to read in any way....

It’s been real! I really like to write. But sometimes I feel like I’m writing for the reader, rather than for myself. That in order to make it interesting I need to be negative in a way that catches your attention…

So many people hate her. But not me. I love her. The one who I used to know. The one who was there before. The one who needed help, who yearned for connection, who cried desperately, yet silently, trying to let the world know of her struggles. The one who didn’t understand, who had so much to learn, who made so many mistakes....

I love her. So many people hate her. But not me. I love her. The one who I used to know. The one who was there before. The one who needed help, who yearned for connection, who cried desperately, yet silently, …

It wasn’t enough. Not enough time, not enough love, not enough words or hugs or moments or memories or time. I had more to learn from you, more to share. I needed more help, I am lost without your wisdom. Why did you have to go? How will my kids turn out as good without you as they would have with you?...

Mama It wasn’t enough. Not enough time, not enough love, not enough words or hugs or moments or memories or time. I had more to learn from you, more to share. I needed more help, I am lost without your …

Old friends, new friends, black friends, blue friends. What a lot of friends there are. Some friends, bum friends, none friends. How many friends have come and gone this far? Yes, going for a red fish, blue fish vibe, but not quite succeeding. Before my mom passed away she had begun interviews for a book she wanted to write about romantic relationships- why we stay, why we leave, what draws us to someone, what makes us desire a partner, etc....

Friend-less-ness Old friends, new friends, black friends, blue friends. What a lot of friends there are. Some friends, bum friends, none friends. How many friends have come and gone this far? Yes, going for a red f…

Ugh, i wrote a looong post last night. I discovered tonight that it hadn’t actually posted. Stupid internet. And the draft has disappeared. So I will start over but I can guarantee it won’t be as long. Maybe that’s a good thing. I find it really interesting the times I decide to actually sit down and write versus the times when I decide to do something else....

Peace Ugh, i wrote a looong post last night. I discovered tonight that it hadn’t actually posted. Stupid internet. And the draft has disappeared. So I will start over but I can guarantee it won’t be as l…

How far I’ve come! I don’t think it really even needs to be said but, I don’t drink anymore, I don’t feel like a failure, I have no depression symptoms of any kind, I’m at peace with my poor social skills (but still working on them), I eat normally, and I’m still an incredible mother, actually even better than before because of how much more deeply I am able to enjoy every moment. I wish I could tell everyone out there who is struggling that they CAN get better. I’ll tell as many as I can.