Mental Vomit

DEPRESSION TIPS:
Shower. Not a bath, a shower. Use water as hot or cold as you like. You don’t even need to wash. Just get in under the water and let it run over you for a while. Sit on the floor if you gotta.

Moisturize everything. Use whatever lotion you like. Unscented? Dollar store lotion? Fancy 48 hour lotion that makes you smell like a field of wildflowers? Use whatever you want, and use it all over your entire dermis.

Put on clean, comfortable clothes.
Put on your favorite underwear. Cute black lacy panties? Those ridiculous boxers you bought last christmas with candy cane hearts on the butt? Put them on.

Drink cold water. Use ice. If you want, add some mint or lemon for an extra boost.

Clean something. Doesn’t have to be anything big. Organize one drawer of a desk. Wash five dirty dishes. Do a load of laundry. Scrub the bathroom sink.

Blast music. Listen to something upbeat and dancey and loud, something that’s got lots of energy. Sing to it, dance to it, even if you suck at both.

Make food. Don’t just grab a granola bar to munch. Take the time and make food. Even if it’s ramen. Add something special to it, like a soft boiled egg or some veggies. When you prepare food, it tastes way better, and you’ll feel like you accomplished something.

Make something. Write a short story or a poem, draw a picture, color a picture, fold origami, crochet or knit, sculpt something out of clay, anything artistic. Even if you don’t think you’re good at it. Create.

Go outside. Take a walk. Sit in the grass. Look at the clouds. Smell flowers. Put your hands in the dirt and feel the soil against your skin.

Call someone. Call a loved one, a friend, a family member, call a chat service if you have no one else to call. Talk to a stranger on the street. Have a conversation and listen to someone’s voice. If you can’t bring yourself to call, text or email or whatever, just have some social interaction with another person. Even if you don’t say much, listen to them. It helps.

Cuddle your pets if you have them/Take pictures of them. Talk to them. Tell them how you feel, about your favorite movie, a new game coming out, anything.

May seem small or silly to some, but this list keeps people alive.

*** At your absolute best you won’t be good enough for the wrong people. But at your worst, you’ll still be worth it to the right ones. Remember that. Keep holding on.

*** In case nobody has told you today,
I Love you and you are worth your weight and then some in gold, so be kind to yourself and most of all keep pushing on!!!!

***People don’t fake depression.. they fake being ok.

Find something to be grateful for!

National Su***de Prevention Lifeline
(800) 273-8255
**copied & pasted

*Disclaimer. I am not a licensed medical or mental health professional.*

"Money is the ..."

Most people will finish the above caption with, "root of all evil". While I agree with that statement, I feel that it has another ending when it comes to depression and anxiety. I believe that "money is the...'stressor' or 'trigger' that manifests anxiety or deepens depression" is more accurate.

I understand that can be the case even for people who don't have depression or anxiety, but it seems 10 fold for me. What may have an answer of just moving some things around or waiting a week for some, feels like the world is crashing down around me. When this happens, I have several reaponses the feel natural to me. I want to scream and cry and throw things. I want to say screw it all and curl up into a ball and just forget about everything. I want to try to find a way to move things around and wait a week (though I don't really believe it). I want to say screw it with my physical and mental health and go back to work to help with our income (even though I know that it would be detrimental to me).

When a loved one is going through something like this, odds are they will not tell you. Just as you wouldn't share your money situation with others. Remember though that what you feel is expotentionaly worse for them. You'll be able to see the signs. You know them from your own experiences.

There are many different kinds of situations or levels that you should consider before you offer support.

Think about their situation.
===(This is not in order by the way). I have been a homeless single mother living in a shelter, living in an overcrowded home with my mom (and kids) and family (also same situation but with my boyfriend/fiance/husband as well), living on my own with my kids, being married with children, living with my boyfriend with my daughter, living with my in laws with my husband and children, and now living with husband (my children are grown and have flown the nest). Each of these situations required a different resopnse for me.

Most of the time, while my children were young and I was single, the resopnse was to give me info about services that could help. When I was at the beginning of that stage, that information was helpful. After a while, it became redundant and unhelpful becauae I already had that information. In this situation just be there. Offer your friendship and support. Offer to watch their kids if they have them. Offer to drive them around if they need it and if you can. Invite them to dinner or bring them dinner. If you could and want to help financially, don't wait to be asked. Buy a gift card for a grocery store or gas station. Pay a bill for them directly. Do it all freely and without anythig required of them in return or don't do it.

Once my children were older, and I was a working single mother, all of those helpful services didn't help me any more. The ones that helped with utilities wanted a shut off notice and weren't guarenteed and only at specific times of the month. The ones that helped with rent wanted an eviction notice and again weren't guaranteed. Food stamps gave very little a month because I was working. For me, many times my money troubles came from having to decide waht was more important: putting food on my table or paying my bills. It was a difficult balance that sometimes didn't work out. In these situations, financial help was best in the form of grocery store specific gift cards (more food less stuff) and gas station gift cards, or paying a utility bill directly if able. Again buy groceries for them, make them dinner, invite them to dinner. If financial help wasn't possible, just having someone there with me helped. Someone to talk to or sit beside. Someone to cry on or hug.

The biggest thing is to just be there. Don't offer any advice or wisdom (unless they ask for it). Sometimes just the presence of another human being helps to keeps us out of the darkest of places. Or the unexpected text in the morning from a friend that says "I love you" or "Thinking of you". Or the card that shows up in the mail box out of the blue (because who uses snail mail anymore).

While, "money is the...'stressor' or 'trigger' that manifests anxiety or deepens depression," you can help make sure your loved ones you are there and they are loved.

*I am not a medical or mental health professional*

“I Am Not Broken! I Have Only Fallen”

I am probably at my most low, or at least remarkably close to it. I stay in bed. I have no desire to do anything; I don’t even want to do things that I am passionate about. I have anxiety about going out. I have anxiety about making my doctor’s appointments. Too much noise overwhelms me. On top of these mental aspects of not wanting to do anything, I am also dealing with physical issues that make doing things more difficult or painful.

I have things that I want to do, that I want to experience, that I am passionate about.

One of the hardest things to do when I am at such a low point, is to ask for help. I know that I need the help. I know that I can’t do it alone, I tried. When I told myself that I needed help, I knew I had to act on it immediately or I wouldn’t act on it, at all.

From my experiences, there are two ways…well three really…this could turn out. Other people may have more experiences with different responses. These are the two response that I have gotten the most in my experience with mental health.

The first way…you ask for help. The response is yes (like in most cases). Then they start telling you what you need to do to get better. Not only what you need to do, but sometimes, how to do it. Their help comes on their terms, with their conditions and their expectations.

The second way…you ask for help. The response is yes (again, like most cases). Then…they ask you what you need. Period. They do not tell you. There is nothing you need to do. There are no terms. There are no conditions. There are no expectations.

(The third way is saying no.)

When I get the first response back, I feel like the other person thinks that I need to be fixed. Like I am broken and need them to help glue the pieces back together.

I AM NOT BROKEN!

When I get the second response back, I feel like the other person knows that I have just fallen and need a helping hand to be able to get up again.

I HAVE ONLY FALLEN!

I saw this on Suncoast Center, Inc and thought I'd share it.

I write these so that I can share my experiences with mental health with others. For friends and family, of those who may be going through some of the same things, to better understand their loved ones. For others to know that they are not the only ones who are going through some of this. These posts are focused on me and my experiences.

If you have any topics or issues that you would like to see shared, please message me.

If a post speaks to you or if you know somebody who may benefit from reading it, please share. Share. Share. Share.

*I am not a medical or mental health professional.*

“Battle of the Mind”

Mental health is a constant battle. It is a battle that is often fought by oneself, even when it doesn’t need to be. It is a battle of making a choice I am not comfortable with. It is a battle of following through with that choice. It is a battle of being okay if I can’t follow through with it, right then.

Some of you may read the word ‘battle’ and image what you see in history and in media. Something with a winner and a loser. There is no winner or loser here! You may imagine that whatever battle someone is going through must be something HUGE! And you are right! It is HUGE, to THEM and THEM alone. So, saying things that make this HUGE battle to them seem insignificant is very hurtful and sometimes harmful to them. You don’t have to always watch what you say. Just be aware.

My advice today is… if you see someone that seems to be in a battle OFFER to help them. Don’t wait for them to ask. If they refuse, just be there in case they do decide they need help.

No one should have to go into battle alone.

*I am not a medical or mental health professional*

"Invisible"

My constant battle with mental health has taught me that though I may be seen by many people I still feel invisible. I may have mentioned before about wearing masks or something similar. This is different. This is...knowing you are there and that you matter to people...but them not really paying attention to you or showing you that you matter to them. I don't think that this is done intentionally. It may not even be anyone else's reality but my own.

That's the kicker there isn't it. My reality, isn't anybody else's reality and vice versa. So, while people may think that they are including their loved ones or that they are paying attention to them, does that person believe they are being seen or do they feel as if they are wearing an invisibility cloak (Harry Potter fan here)?

Feeling invisible is difficult to shake. Like I said, you know you are there and that you matter to people. They know you are there; they talk to you; they interact with you. But you still feel invisible. Like...maybe you're a lamp or a tv or a phone or some other inanimate object...something that is there...and a part of someone's life...and matters to them....

While I want to be seen, and heard, and appreciated, and...not invisible, I also want to curl up inside that invisibility. As long as I'm invisible, then that's one less mask I have to wear. And that goes back to a previous post about wearing masks.

My advice today is to just be with your loved ones. It doesn't matter if you are the one holding the hand or if you are the one needing your hand held. Just be with each other. Hold each other. Hug each other. Talk with each other. Share silly stories. Share stories about your pasts. Eat together. Go out together. Stay in together. Go for a walk. Just be together. No expectations.

If you can't be with them, call them. Talk to them for more than a few minutes. Have a real conversation with them. One of those calls that can last for who knows how long; that go from topic to topic and you have no idea how you got from a to z. Just talk. Make those calls often, not routine, but spontaneous. Not a chore that is expected of you, but something you look forward to.

Try to make the invisible feel visible for at least a moment.

**I am not a licensed medical or mental health professional**

"The Iron Connection"

Today I am going to focus on the connection between iron deficiencies and depression. Now, I am not a medical professional and I don't know all the technical terms or any of that stuff. This is just what I do know from my experiences and observations. If you or a loved one have any questions, it is best that you go talk to your doctor.

I have always (well it seems like always to me at least) have issues with my hemoglobin being low. Nothing like needing a blood transfusion low, but still low. The most that my primary doctors have ever done have been to prescribe iron pills. I can't remember if my doctor told me or if it was someone else, but the best way to absorb the iron is to take it with Vitamin C.
Low Hemoglobin = low iron = anemia (which can contribute to depression)

So this had been going on for years, with me going back and forth with the iron pills (with and without insurance for myself). I honestly didn't give it the value that I maybe should have given it. To me, low iron, even anemia, wasn't really 'scary' enough to take seriously. I had a few therapist that had mentioned that low iron could contribute to depression. They let me know that it was available as a vitamin over the counter in lower doses, and again mentioned the vitamin c thing. I went out and spent the money to get the iron and vitamin c pills, took them for a few days, but then stopped.

So all these years, I have been battling depression, with low iron (I don't like saying anemia). My treatment has been depression meds, therapy, iron pills and vitamin c (and someone else told me vitamin d helps with depression as well, so hello sunlight). With all of that, on the whole, nothing really got 'better' still had pretty bad depression at times, still had low iron more often than not.

Then, in May 2020 , I went to the ER with severe abdominal pain (nothing new for me). They did a CT and discovered that I had clotted my spleen. Of course, my anxiety sky rocketed because I had no idea what that meant or anything really, other than they were going to admit me. They did all kinds of tests and what not to make sure there weren't any other clots or anything. Everything they did came back good. The doctor said that this was basically a one and done type of situation and that it does happen sometimes (story of my life, something with no explanation). Anyway, that doctor was the Oncologist/Hematologist. Basically a blood doctor. He was more concerned about my iron levels. and wanted me to follow up in the office.

When I went to my follow up appointment with the hematologist they gave me more about my numbers. Basically there's more to your iron than just your hemoglobin. There's also the way that your body absorbs the iron, like into your blood. So, basically, my body was not absorbing the iron in the right way, which was probably the reason my hemoglobin was always low (hmmm, why didn't my doctors think of this sooner). The doctor also explained that this could be contributing to my depression, which I knew, but now had a real answer for. Right after I saw the doctor, they took be back for an iron infusion. Self explanatory really, they put iron directly into my blood. The iron infusion was pretty simple. About 1 hour, once a week, for 2 weeks (in a row). Then you go back in a month for labs and a week after that to visit the doctor.

This infusion worked great for me. My energy levels went up. I feel like I was doing more, like I wasn't quite as depressed in general as before. When I followed up with the doctor, all my numbers looked good. My hemoglobin has been excellent since then. last time it was checked it was 14.2 and the lowest since the infusion was 11.4 (the range is 12.0 - 16.0). Before the infusion, my hemoglobin ranged between 8.4 and 12.2. My doctor also told me that it looked like my body absorbed it like it was supposed to. We scheduled for a 4 month follow up (labs and visit). My numbers were going down but not alarming so and were not in the red. We scheduled another 4 month follow up.

During that year (May 2020 to (now) May 2021) things got better after the infusion for a while then gradually went downhill from there. The last 4 month follow up was a hot mess with scheduling. I goy my labs done, then things got all discombobulated. Long story short there, I needed another infusion. I got my infusions done this week (yay!), and spoke with the doctor. The next step is to fine out where the iron is going since it is not going to my blood like it supposed to be doing.

All of this medical history from me is for a reason. if you or a loved on is battling depression or have been for a while, ask your doctor to check your iron levels. Talk to then about other medical conditions that could also contribute to depression (on a more blood/hormonal/number aspect rather than the emotional/psychological aspect). Like iron deficiency effects energy.

As a side note for those with anxiety, Dr. Google is NOT a good resource and should not be used, ever. Call YOUR doctor first.

"In the Silence"

*Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional*

There are many time where I am constantly going through thing in my head. If you've followed my posts, you may have picked up on that. Most of the time, my thoughts and worries and concerns and anxieties and everything else that is rolling around in there, I don't share. Sometimes, I don't know how to put them into words. Sometimes, I can't put them into words. Sometimes, I don't want to put them into words. Sometimes, I'm scared to put them into words. Bottom line is that they are there and I don't share them.

I think that I'm scared to put my thoughts into words most of the time. Not because the thoughts themselves are 'scary'. It's about admitting what thoughts thoughts are. It's about having to address the emotions associated with those thoughts. It's about having to be honest with myself and say those thoughts out loud, which makes them real.

That last needs repeating. Saying those thoughts out loud makes them real.

And that scares the crap out of me. So I don't say them. I keep them bottled up inside me. Swirling around and around. Gaining a deeper hold on me. Digging their roots in further and further. (Trying to give a visual here, did you get it?)

For me, there are times that I want my husband to just hold me (without me asking) and let me cry; there are times that I just want to be left alone; there are times that I want him to push me to do my art; there are times that I want him to make me get up and out of the house and just forget; there are times that I want him to talk to me; there are times that I want him to..do..more. Just more. Sometimes, I want him to be more...like Albus Dumbledore from Harry Potter. I want him to have the ability to just read my mind and know what I want without me having to say it.

But, this isn't the Wizarding world of JK Rowling. And my husband, as great and wonderful as he is, does not have the ability to read minds. And as great and wonderful as he is, saying those thoughts out loud makes them real, and that still scares the crap out of me.

So my advice for family and friends...realize that your loved one may be going through this horrible cycle, that those roots may be taking hold, that they may be looking for an Albus Dumbledore (or another mind reader). That for whatever reason they just can't give voice to their thoughts. BUT they do still need you.

So be there for them. Hold them. Let them cry. Listen to them. Encourage them. Take them out. Talk to them. Leave them alone, if they ask (but pay attention still). Love them.

I stole this from a friend, who shared it from another personal blog. If you're interested check it out, Pieces of Soul

*Disclaimer - I am not a medical or mental health professional.*

~~Anxiety~~

So, it's been some time since I last posted, as is my habit it seems. Today, I want to touch on anxiety. I am sure that anxiety manifests itself differently for everyone. I am going to share, obviously, what it looks like to me.

I think that everyone thinks "oh, anxiety isn't a big deal! Everyone gets anxious"! For me, it is more than just being anxious about something. It is the constant worry, the near panic, the feeling like my heart is going to beat out of my chest, the feeling like I'm short of breath, the nausea, the lists, the planning, the refocusing, the fidgeting, the rapid speech. Sometimes, all of that; sometimes, one or some of that. That's some of what it feels like. What about what triggers it?

My triggers for anxiety vary. Sometimes it's the very symptoms of anxiety that cause more anxiety. Here are some of the things that get my anxiety going: leaving the house, driving, spending time in groups, having to walk any distance, driving on the highway, driving long distances, my health ( each and every aspect, individually), making appointments, keeping appointments, planning dinner, making dinner, worry about my children, trying to be the "perfect" housewife (even though I'm not and my husband does NOT expect it), worry over being to lazy because I'm in pain, paying the bills, spending money that I didn't earn, insurance and medication and doctors, family and friends, is this going to cause me pain, is that going to cause me pain, will I hurt today or tomorrow if I do this, how much time will I be "out" if I do what needs to be done, things not getting done, doing too much, my diet, my health, working or possibly working, not working, having too much junk and not enough space...

The list goes on. And on. And on.

I do have medicine that helps with anxiety, but it's one of those that you take only as needed. I use it sparingly. If I took it as needed, then it would be everyday. My psychiatrist knows this. I try to work on my anxiety in ways other than medicine if it can be helped.

If you have a loved one who has anxiety keep this min mind. Also, for me, saying, "don't' worry about it" does not make the anxiety go away. Sometimes, it makes it even worse. Just be there for them and let them tell you what they need, if they can. Otherwise, just be patient.

~~~Hopefully, this makes sense. I'm in the middle of what seems to be a million things and this kind of just came out. (Hence the name, Mental Vomit :) )~~~

*Disclaimer - I am not a medical or mental health professional*

Depression & Pain

I have lived with depression most of my life. I got into a car accident in 2011, this added more physical pain to my life. Now, I am living with depression and pain.

There are days when I let depression take over and rule my day. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to do anything. I just don’t care. However, on those days, the pain gets worse. In order to help the pain to get better, I need to get out of bed. I need to be active. I need to care.

There are days when I let my pain take over and rule my day. It hurts too much to move. It hurts too much to walk. It hurts too much to do dishes. It hurts too much to clean. It hurts too much to cook. It hurts too much to sit down, stand up, walk around or sometimes even to just lay down! It hurts…IT hurts…IT HURTS! Hello, depression.

There are days when I decide that I am NOT going to let my depression take over and rule my day (yay me)! I have things to do. The A/C man is coming. Well, he needs to be able to get to the closet. Time to organize the back room (that “catch all” table many people have, yeah, ours is an entire bedroom). I know my limits with my pain; indeed, I do. I know not to lift anything too heavy, ab-so-lute-ly. I know not to do too much at once, yup. Well, let me just say that the A/C man can get to the closet; and knowing and doing are two very, very different things.

That’s part of my cycle. My days are filled with pain and/or depression. When my pain is at a level that I can tolerate and my depression is at a point where I can say, “screw you”, I tend to overdo things. So, I end up back in the position of either my depression or my pain taking over and ruling my day.

For me, the explanation for most of my pain doesn’t show up in labs and it doesn’t show up in imaging. What doctors can’t see they can’t diagnose. When they can’t diagnose, they tend to lead me toward mental health. I have been told that if I take better care of my depression, I will be better able to manage my pain.

If I could punch them in the face I would! Well, probably not, but you get the point.

I try to manage my depression.
I try to manage my pain.
Sometimes, my depression wins.
Sometimes, my pain wins.
Sometimes, my depression and my pain win.
SOEMTIMES I WIN!

No special advice for you this time. Just give your loved ones a hug, tell them you love them and ask them if they want to walk to the stop sign with you.