Slather SPF

It’s bad enough turning up to work in the middle of summer looking like you spent the weekend playing water polo in the mouth of an active volcano, let alone the dead of winter.

It’s one thing to come in with a sunglass tanline that has you looking like a reverse-Cyclops-from-X-Men in a polo and jeans, but it’s absolutely nothing to compared to walking into the same foyer with a puffer jacket and scarf on. Some kinda Michelin-man-with-severe-blood-pressure type fit. There’s no living that down. S**t, I’m getting embarrased just thinking about it.

You can’t get sunburnt in winter, guys. There’s nothing more embarrassing. I’d rather accidentally call my boss ‘Dad’ on a group Teams call again. Not again, for the first time, I mean. Anyway, don’t risk it. Make sure you Slather up for winter.

Per our previous e-mail, UV protection is mission critical.
We need to leverage SPF 50+ to move the needle on skin health.

Slather should be the North Star on your epidermis wellness roadmap. A paradigm shift in holistic skin optimisation. We're talking the full-funnel coverage, top of face to bottom of feet, your carapace has been expecting since Q1.

Team, let’s do a deep dive. Are you applying with enough bandwidth? Are you reapplying every two hours as per the SLA? If not, we need to flag that. Sunburn is a non-negotiable blocker and, quite frankly, not something we want to unpack in a post-mortem.

So, if you’re looking for a best-in-class, vertically integrated, broad-spectrum solution that really moves the needle on not looking like a tomato while putting a pin in melanoma - then make sure you Slather Up before you open your laptop, your calendar invite, or your mouth in that 9am standup nobody asked for.

Scientists at SLATHER HQ recently conducted a world-first study into whether ‘she’ll be right’ is a valid strategy against the sun’s ultra-violet radiation.

A variety of common defenses falling under the ‘she’ll be right’ strategy were tested, including ‘fair bit of clouds up there’, ‘my grandpa was 1/8th Maltese’, ‘it’s April’, and ‘can just outrun the sun if I have to’ all failing to win a boss fight against a giant ball of fire in the sky.

SLATHER’s specially formulated broad-spectrum SPF 50+ sunscreen and moisturiser was also found to perform significantly better than ‘tan lines are big on TikTok rn’ and ‘sunscreen was invented by the Freemasons’.

The hottest sunburn tanline trends of 2026 are officially in.

However, if you'd rather not look like a di****ad and stare down a skin graft in 2042 from a doctor who learnt how to use a scalpel from ChatGPT, then grab yourself a twin-pack of SLATHER for just $58 inc. free shipping! (That's only like... 1/8th of a tank of petrol??)

Until today, black has been the only colour that t-shirts come in. But now, thanks to technological advances, the SLATHER SPF corporation is proud to announce the world’s first ‘white t-shirt’. Printed on AS Colour 180 GSM 100% combed cotton, so it’s not going to turn into a square block of gravel after three washes.

Wearing a graphic of the sun while you protect yourself form the sun is the ultimate F U to the sun. Also kind of looks like an obscure band shirt, giving you +5 respect the next time you’re at a basement noise show.

You’re not imagining things.

Unless you think the dentist put a microchip in your back left molar during your last check up, then you might actually be.

But aside from that, someone really is following your every move. Tracking you every time you leave the house. Every step you take, every move you make.

No, it’s not Sting, it’s that big yellow bastard in the sky.

The good news is though, unlike your weird uncle that's always trying to get you to watch YouTube videos about lizard people, you don’t need to wear an aluminium suit to protect yourself from enemies in the sky - just slather up and everything will be sweet as.

"Sunscreen? Never used it once in 35 years."

Yeah, alright leatherface. Looks like old mate is gonna be blasting the entire country with UV rays all week. If your stocks are low, we'll sort you out.

Slather up out there! Free shipping on 2 packs!

It protects you from the sun’s UVA and UVB rays.

It hydrates like hell.

It goes on smooth.

It’s Australian made and owned.

It’s always got your back (and neck and face and that super annoying spot in between your shoulder blades that you can never reach and have to awkwardly dangle your fingers around until you inevitably have to ask someone else to do it for you).

It’s SLATHER SPF. Because the sun is not your friend.