“Family Take Stillborn Daughter Home to Say Good-Bye
(SURREY-VANCOUVER-VICTORIA, B.C.) – When the unspeakable has happened, and a child is stillborn, what, if any options does a parent have? This couple did something very unconventional. They took their stillborn daughter home for a few days, created a spirit garden and celebrated her short life.
In April 2016, while in labour at the Peace Arch Hospital, Annelise Graf and her husband Remi Graf sadly found out the unspeakable: their daughter Kahlan had died in the womb. For the next three days, Annelise needed to stay in the hospital to stabilize. During this time, Annelise and Remi dressed Kahlan and put her in a cold bed beside theirs. Not ready to go home without Kahlan and not comfortable with leaving their baby in the morgue, Remi began researching options online.
He soon found Royal Oak Burial Park in Victoria that offered green burials, without a casket, in a forested area. After speaking with Lorraine Fracy, the Manager of Client Services and Administrative Operations, Remi learned there was a green burial option for his daughter. Upon further discussion, Fracy soon understood the rest of their needs, and put them in touch with Ngaio Davis, owner and Managing/Funeral Director of Koru Cremation | Burial | Ceremony.
“We were told that our daughter would be placed in the morgue until we were ready for burial,” explains Remi. “We couldn’t stand the thought of our daughter being left in a cold dark freezer, without her loved ones around her.” While meeting with the funeral director Davis, their confusion and anguish was easy to pick up on and Davis suggested an uncommon option of taking their stillborn daughter home until burial.
“I suggested that I could pick up their daughter from the hospital and arrange for her to come home with them for a few days,” notes Davis. “You could see the stress physically drain from them. They hadn’t known that it was an option and they were relieved to spend some more time with their daughter.”
Davis provided a list for the family to get ready. With ice packs that were placed in a bassinet with Kahlan, they then placed her into an ice chest/cooler. While at home, Kahlan’s two older siblings at the time, 5 and 3, also got the opportunity to hold Kahlan and say good-bye.
“It was really important for us that our girls have closure too,” explains Annelise. “It was a really hard call for us. Do we expose them to this? In the end we think it really helped them and they understood it wasn’t just a bump in mommy’s tummy but their actual sister.”
Kahlan’s siblings have written letters and songs for her and continue to talk about her. The family also created a Kahlan Garden at home and the children got involved by decorating a cement spirit house, adding verses and quotes, and placed it in their garden.
“It gave us a lot of peace to be able to bring her home,” Annelise shares. “To physically see her and care for her was important to us and we all had the chance to hold her.”
After four days at home, Kahlan’s body started to decompose and the family was unable to keep her any longer. Davis then arranged for a private transfer permit of Kahlan’s body to Victoria for burial and also had some of Kahlan’s DNA put into a storage container in a cylinder for the family to keep. Funeral directors are licensed by government to be able to transfer a body, but if someone else is moving it, they require a permit.
Kahlan was having a green burial and no embalming was done. Davis explained that embalming is not actually required unless a body is being transferred out of Canada. Fracy, from Royal Oak Burial Park, clarified that burial designation requires no headstone or marker. Presently Royal Oak Burial Park has 77 of their 135 acres developed and available for burials. They also created the Little Spirits Garden for the purpose of supporting parents and families who experience the loss of a pregnancy or infant. It is one of a kind in Canada and Kahlan became a part of it.
“It was about validating these babies,” Fracy shares. “Parents take concrete spirit houses home to decorate and also have them here at the burial site. They leave love notes and hang them on the trees or branches, and it helps with the healing.”
During the simple service, Annelise and Remi tucked their little baby back into the soil, surrounding Kahlan with a few of her personal things and then gently placed her onto a bed of flower petals and cedar boughs. In a green burial, the body is often shrouded in natural linens or unbleached cotton. After a year, as everything goes back to nature, a tree is selected and planted within the area which then becomes a place of reflection and remembrance for the family.
When asked about the ceremony and the family, Fracy reflects and says, “They were incredibly strong. They showed such strength of character and determination. They really took on the parental role and knew what they wanted. It was almost like watching healing happen right in front of me, in the moment.”
“When we found out that we could take our daughter home and have a green burial for her, we were relieved, we were at peace,” explains Annelise. “I would highly recommend this for other parents dealing with the same situation. It truly helped bring closure.”
Kahlan is buried by an oak tree surrounded by flowers with a marker that reads, “Our Angel God’s Daughter”. Her middle name is appropriately “Hope”. Kahlan’s life may have been short but her family will celebrate her for the rest of their lives.
Royal Oak Burial Park was created by the community for the community in 1922. A leader in modernizing the industry, they offer new services such as green burial and creating Little Spirits Garden to recognize and honour the loss of pregnancies and infants.
Koru Cremation | Burial | Ceremony is more than just cremation. They specialize in natural death and burial practices. A leader, innovator and educator in death, they raise awareness and provide a thoughtful approach in support.”
For more information about this press release, please contact the following:
Cathy Yeomans
Writer of Press Release and Death Doula in Training
[email protected]
604-536-6498 or cell 604-341-1456
Annelise & Remi Graf
Parents of Kahlan
[email protected]
604-367-0275
Lorraine Fracy
Manager of Client Services and Administrative Operations
Royal Oak Burial Park
https://royaloakburialpark.ca/
[email protected]
250-658-5621
Ngaio Davis
Founder, Owner and Managing Director
Funeral Director
KORU Cremation | Burial | Ceremony
korucremation.com
[email protected]
604-324-8285
