Carri's Quest - Seeking Answers

Depressing rant in comments.
Hoping that getting the frustration out makes me feel a bit better. :/

I constantly beat myself up for not getting stuff done. I deeply internalize that my value is tied to the amount of work I produce. Thanks for that, capitalism. 😝 While this is an incredibly difficult belief to unravel and unlearn, I am trying.

I caught myself in one of those shame loops a little earlier while I was getting my next dose of meds. My dose of meds, which includes two forms of morphine.

That made me stop. I looked at the pills in my hand.

Never in my life would I expect anyone taking that daily to produce ANYTHING. Let alone tackling the new projects I'm working on, which are.... well. Many. Lol. Including wading through the depths of my brain meat, trying to figure out how to fix myself.

I *am* getting stuff done, even on days where it might not feel like I do. And I have lots of options for when it's not a high pain day to fill my time: a fiction novel, articles on accessible yoga, an ND-friendly planner, consulting for some mechanical specification work, the odd thing for RAGEYoga, plus an idea for a prototype invention to help my ANS chill. And there are more. 😅

I have to focus on remembering what was accomplished instead of what's still to do. The great thing with these projects is that for the most part, there is no schedule, no timeline. No pressure, except what I put on myself, which is typically insanely high. But these ones, I am forcing myself to take a step back, to step away from the stress. To enjoy taking things slow instead of rushing through them at a frantic pace.

Today, I did something from start to end and got the email out. Task complete. It shouldn't be so hard to just sit and enjoy it, I know. But I am trying anyway. Maybe one day it will work.

My interpretation of my neuropsych trying to follow along with my convoluted updates for 2025 so far. 😂😂😂

I haven't had a chance to see him since last year. I missed my January appt since that was during The Great Pain of my left shoulder. Not enough sleep, but I had made a bunch of notes so I wouldn't forget anything.

The takeaways:
-resume ADHD meds at low level to get something activating in my system immediately
-add a new family of anti-psychotic to my current cocktail at entry dose to see if I will tolerate it (to hopefully phase out Latuda for sure and possibly Seroquel) which will hopefully manage my bipolar cycling more effectively
-start recording dissociative episodes
-taper off Effexor entirely
-careful monitoring of pain/mood/energy several times a day
-referral for autonomic testing for vagus nerve dysfunction
-referral for adult autism testing
-support for somatic therapy

While neither he nor I would classify myself as anything resembling well (lol), he agrees I sound stable (the most since I started working with him, so that's something). I have an idea I want to explore on my own that might help with this condition, and I really wanted to get his thoughts. But covering the other items were more necessary. I'll loop him in if I create a successful prototype hahaha. 😉

Follow-up in a month to see how the med adjustments feel. So I guess that's that for now. Busy morning haha.

Here we are in June. I think back to the beginning of the year, and feel like I have done nothing of note. But that's not true.

March-May was reorganizing all the damn paperwork in the house and catching up on some admin tasks that had fallen off my radar. Jan-Mar was a haze of pain, and I shouldn't beat myself up for not remembering much of that period.

Mid-May, hypomanic symptoms hit HARD and I came up with a hundred ideas and dove right in. No time to interact, just go go go... because the only time I really feel like *myself* is in a hypomanic state. But once it runs its course, I crash hard, need a week of sleep, and feel frustrated as my sense of identity fades away and I feel hollow again.

So while I think I really need to talk to my neuropsych on Thursday to adjust my psych meds so these extreme swings go away, I am hesitant because I don't want to lose the upswing effects. I wish I could find a stable baseline right before things go from "I feel okay" to "s**t s**t s**t make this stop."

So, here I am. And today, while I don't feel great, there's a little more clarity of things I need to work on. Things I need to incorporate into my days. The past two years have felt like survival in crisis mode, and my poor shot nervous system is screaming for some form of relief.

I hope that I can start moving forward again. I know I often say something along those lines, then disappear for months. But it's hard to post "I have done nothing" and feel good about that. 🙃

Cross your fingers for me, friends. 🖤

Today is a better day. 🖤

Today was hard. Very, very hard. And then Facebook ate all the words I had written out. Here is something similar to whatever the first version was. Maybe. My memory sucks these days. 😅

Super emotionally intense morning, tears flowed down for hours, tried very hard to hold things in check but had to drug myself to a zombified state. Why? Because intense emotional states are a seizure trigger. And the idea of the physical pain from that on top of the mental grief of today... nope.

I had a sweet visit from a friend, and tried to nap not so successfully. Zoned out on TV with the warm hug of not-thinking from my cannabis edible for the evening. Today was not a good day, not at all. But I made it through. It's time for sleep. May the gods let tomorrow feel just a little bit lighter.

***Eli pic for tax.

[Posted on my main profile May 14/25]

This is the look of someone who has finished a task nine years in the making.
I don't think relief has hit yet because I still see the strain on my face.

So. That particular dark cloud was a convenient excuse for me to put my life on hold. Now that it's over, I guess have to ask myself a question I've been avoiding.

Now what?

It has taken significantly more time to get organized than I ever imagined. Instead of being mad I won't have the experience I anticipated, I remind myself that this process of organization and cleaning can be seen as an act of self-care as well.

I'm not giving up and that's the important thing. There is still plenty of time for the deep internal work once our home feels less chaotic. I need to heal, and I need an environment which will best facilitate that.

I am slowly getting there and I appreciate everyone who has supported me and helped out over the past few weeks while my husband has been away. 🖤

Eli pic to appease the algorithm gods.

Friends, I could use a pep talk.

I have been pushing really hard the past couple of weeks. I am incredibly frustrated that once again, I have severely underestimated the amount of time it takes for me to accomplish tasks. I was hoping my mountain of paperwork which has been crushing my soul for the past few years would be finished and I would be focusing on what makes me feel good.

But I am not there yet. 😭 And I am tired. I am keeping my head down, staying away from the socials aside from updates here, and I can see the progress. I am fighting through the voices in my head telling me to give up, that I can't do this, why bother, blahblahblah... I am fighting through the pain in my body and the exhaustion in my mind.

This week, I started a new DBT module for group therapy and I see a new therapist this afternoon. Starting with a new therapist is always daunting. Where the hell do I even start??? I really wish my old one, who was amazing, had come back from medical leave, but I can't wait. I have seen how badly I have disintegrated over the past year missing that component of support.

I am a fighter, and I know I will get through this. I'm just so tired.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were all productive days. The paperwork is daunting but my dad has been a huge help. Mom, meanwhile, has been a great support around the house.

Today, I did very little except sleep. I had a gastroscopy earlier today and the sleepy time drugs hit me hard. I dozed off pretty much when I got home this afternoon, and I fully expect I'll be asleep again in no time.

Nothing of note to report from the procedure. So I guess my stomach just hates me. 🙄