Healing out loud with Jocelyn

Excerpt: “I meant it every time”

When I was really bad into my addiction I don’t think I realized how bad I actually was. I knew I had a problem obviously. I wasn’t completely delusional. But I always had some reason why it wasn’t as bad as it looked.

I still had a roof over my head. I still had my kids. I still had people who loved me. But if I’m being truthful, I barely worked during that time. I wasn’t holding everything together while secretly having an addiction. Things were falling apart. I just kept finding ways to convince myself they weren’t.

I also didn’t look like what I thought an addict was supposed to look like.

Meanwhile I’m staying out all night doing co***ne and coming home when the sun is coming up.

Make that make sense.

I can’t remember a lot of those nights now. I remember pieces of them. Sometimes I’ll randomly remember something I haven’t thought about in years and it makes my stomach turn. Other things people have told me happened and I honestly don’t remember them at all.

I do remember the mornings though.

I’d be coming down, my nose would be absolutely destroyed and I’d be exhausted but couldn’t sleep. I’d look at my phone and know there were messages I didn’t want to open.

Then came the promises.

I’m done.

I’m never doing this again.

I can’t keep doing this.

And I meant it. That’s the fu**ed up part. I really meant it.

Then I’d use again.

I used to wonder what was wrong with me. I have five kids. I love my kids more than anything, so why wasn’t that enough to make me stop?

That one ate me alive.

Because of course I thought about them while I was using. People seem to think addiction somehow makes you forget the people you love. I didn’t forget anybody. Half the time I was high I was thinking about all the people I was hurting.

Then I’d feel like such a piece of s**t that I wanted to get higher.

There’s some logic for you.

And then there was Derek.

I don’t even know how to explain what losing him did to me because I don’t think I understood it myself for a long time.

I blamed myself.

There were a million what-ifs running through my head and co***ne gave me somewhere to go where I didn’t have to deal with them for a minute.

Until it didn’t.

Eventually I’d be high thinking about him anyway.

So now I’m high, thinking about my dead brother, thinking about my kids, thinking about my husband, thinking about how badly I want my life back while literally doing the thing that is destroying it.

That was basically my life for a while.

And it wasn’t fun.

I want to be really clear about that.

There came a point where there was almost nothing fun about getting high anymore. I wasn’t out having some great time. I was chasing co***ne because my brain was telling me I needed co***ne.

That was it.

Get some. Do it. Need more.

Then hate myself afterward.

Repeat.

I went to detox four times. Treatment twice.

You’d think somewhere in there I would have figured it out.

I didn’t.

Not right away anyway.

I could leave somewhere completely convinced I was finished and still end up using again. Every time it happened I hated myself a little more because now I knew better.

At least that’s what I told myself.

You know better, Jocelyn.

You’ve already been through treatment.

You know exactly where this ends.

And I’d still fu***ng do it.

There isn’t a nice explanation for that.

I was addicted to co***ne.

I loved my family and I was addicted to co***ne.

Both were true.

It took me a long time to be able to say that without immediately trying to explain myself.

HEALING OUT LOUD

Copyright © 2026 Jocelyn Marie Ezechiel
All rights reserved.

No part of Healing Out Loud may be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, stored, or shared in any form or by any means without prior written permission from the author, except for brief quotations used in reviews or as otherwise permitted by copyright law.

This memoir is based on the author’s personal experiences and recollections. Certain names, identifying details, locations, and circumstances may have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals appearing in this book.

First Edition, 2026

Healing Out Loud
Written by Jocelyn Marie Ezechiel

Grief is strange.

Yesterday I had a conversation with a coworker about loss. It was just a conversation. I didn’t think much of it at the time. I talked about things I’ve talked about before, went on with my day, and thought I was fine.

But I don’t think I was.

Sometimes grief doesn’t hit you while you’re talking about the person you lost. Sometimes it waits. It shows up hours later as irritability, sadness, exhaustion, anxiety, or just feeling completely off and not really understanding why.

I think that conversation yesterday may have opened something up in me that I’ve gotten really good at keeping tucked away.

Losing someone doesn’t have an expiration date. You can build a life, heal, laugh again, find purpose, and genuinely be okay, and still have a random conversation bring you right back to a place you thought you had already worked through.

And maybe that’s the part of grief I’m still learning.

Healing doesn’t mean I stopped missing him. It doesn’t mean I’ll never get triggered by talking about death or loss. It just means I’ve learned how to carry it differently.

Some days I carry it really well.

Other days, apparently, it carries me….

ONE YEAR SOBER. ❤️

Today, August 29, marks one year clean and sober, and honestly, I still can’t believe I’m able to say that.

A year ago, my life was completely out of control. I remember standing at a gas station, completely out of my mind, screaming in the face of one of the biggest criminals in Moncton while he pointed a gun at me. I wasn’t thinking about my kids, my future, or whether I was going to make it home. I was just completely lost.

I remember sitting in a run down trailer with addicts while they smoked crack, actually contemplating smoking it too because my nose couldn’t physically handle another line. That’s how deep I was in my addiction.

I’ve been to detox four times and treatment twice. I’ve said I was done more times than I can count, but August 29, 2025 was different. I was finally ready to fight for my life.

And then there was Derek.

The guilt of losing my brother was something that brought me back into using. I didn’t know how to deal with the grief, the questions, or all the things I wished I could have changed. I used because I didn’t want to feel it.

The sad part is, getting high never actually took the pain away. It only made everything worse.

Getting sober meant finally allowing myself to feel that grief instead of trying to numb it.

I can’t change what happened to Derek, but I’m trying to turn that guilt into purpose. That’s a huge part of why I’m going to school for Addiction Counselling and why I want to help people who are where I once was. If I can take the hardest parts of my life and use them to help someone else, then I want to do that.

This past year hasn’t been easy. I’ve had some really hard days, but I stayed sober. And while doing that, I started rebuilding my life. I kept working, went back to school, fixed my credit, saved money, got my own vehicle, and started working toward buying my first home. Most importantly, I’m showing up for my kids and actually building a future.

A year ago I was worried about getting through the next few hours.

Today I’m thinking about my future.

I’m still healing. I’m still figuring things out. I don’t have everything together, but I’m sober, I’m present, and I’m still here.

A year ago I wasn’t sure I’d make it.

Today I can finally say:

I made it.

One year sober. One year alive. One year of choosing a different life.

And I’m not stopping here. ❤️

August 29, 2025 → August 29, 2026

I keep trying to write something about this and everything I write sounds wrong because there really isn’t a nice way to talk about something this awful.

My best friend since Grade 4 lost her little brother.

He was struggling with addiction. His girlfriend was struggling too. And he was beaten to death.

Just like that, he’s gone.

This hits me in a really weird and personal place because I know both sides of this. I’ve been the person caught up in addiction and I’ve also been the sister who lost her little brother to it.

I know what it feels like when drugs take over your life and you’re making choices that the person you used to be probably wouldn’t even recognize. I also know that doesn’t mean you stop being a person or that everyone who loves you suddenly stops loving you.

I think that’s what bothers me when things like this happen. People hear “they were drug addicts” and somehow that becomes the explanation for everything.

Like that’s just what happens.

It shouldn’t be.

He didn’t deserve to be beaten to death because he was using drugs.

He deserved the same thing I got.

Another chance.

I was lucky enough to get to a point where I wanted something different. I got the chance to get clean and start putting my life back together. I’m coming up on a year now and sometimes I look at where I was compared to where I am and can’t believe it’s the same life.

Nobody knew for sure I was going to make it here either.

That’s why I have such a hard time writing people off when they’re still in it.

Maybe tomorrow would have been his day.

Maybe six months from now.

Maybe two years from now.

We’ll never know.

And now I’m watching my best friend experience something I would never wish on anyone. I know what it’s like when the person you’re talking about isn’t “an addict who died.”

It’s your little brother.

It’s someone you remember before drugs.

It’s someone you thought you’d have more time with.

And then somehow in the middle of all this horrible s**t, there is this other piece that I can’t get out of my head.

He’s an organ donor.

Four people are going to receive his organs.

Four.

So while the people who love him are sitting there trying to understand how the hell this happened, somewhere there are four people and their families being given hope.

I don’t know how you make sense of that.

His life was taken from him and yet parts of him are going to keep four other people alive.

I don’t have some deep lesson to wrap this up with.

I’m just sad.

I’m sad for my best friend.

I’m sad that another person didn’t get the chance to see what life could look like on the other side of addiction.

And I’m angry that we still live in a world where saying someone was an addict can make people care a little less about what happened to them.

Because I was an addict too.

My brother was an addict too.

And I can tell you that the people who love us don’t put the word “addict” in front of our names.

They just call us their person.

He was someone’s person.

And he should still be here. ❤️

I’ve been sitting with this one for a minute because it feels a little surreal to say out loud…

I officially accepted a full time position as a Case Manager with Harvest House. ❤️

When I first walked through those doors as a Front Line Support Worker, I knew this work was going to mean something different to me. I wasn’t just showing up for a shift. I was walking into a place where so many of the things I’ve lived through, the hard years, the loss of my brother Derek, addiction, recovery, rebuilding my life, and going back to school for Addiction Counselling, could finally be turned into something meaningful.

Now I get the opportunity to take another step forward.

As a Case Manager, I’ll have the privilege of walking alongside people as they work toward housing, recovery, stability, and whatever rebuilding looks like for them. I know what it feels like when life is messy. I know what it feels like to need someone who sees the person underneath everything happening around them. And I know how powerful it can be when even one person refuses to give up on you.

This past year especially has shown me just how much my life has changed. I’m not pretending my past never happened, I’m building a future from everything it taught me.

There’s something incredibly full circle about studying Addiction Counselling while working directly with the population I hoped one day I could serve. I still have so much to learn, and I know this role will challenge me, but I’m ready for it.

And somewhere in all of this is Derek. ❤️ I couldn’t save my brother, but I can carry what losing him taught me into every person I have the privilege of helping.

Full time Case Manager at Harvest House.

That feels pretty damn good to say. ❤️

Here’s to the next chapter.

As I get closer to August 29th, I’ve found myself reflecting on everything this past year has held.

If someone had told me a year ago where I’d be today, I don’t know if I would have believed them.

This year wasn’t just about getting clean and sober. It was about rebuilding an entire life.

I’ve learned that recovery isn’t simply about putting down a substance. It’s about facing everything you’ve spent years trying to numb.

This year, I watched my oldest son fight battles that no parent should ever have to watch their child face. I’ve advocated for all five of my children through diagnoses, appointments, struggles, and victories. They’ve been my greatest reason to keep going, even on the days I wasn’t sure I could.

I went back to university to pursue my dream of becoming an addiction counsellor while working multiple jobs and trying to balance being a wife, a mom, a student, and an employee. There were days I wondered how I would keep all the plates spinning.

I started working with people experiencing homelessness and addiction. I carried Narcan through the streets, counted breaths, checked on people everyone else walked past, dressed wounds, shared meals, and listened to stories. Every person reminded me that addiction doesn’t care who you are and that every life is worth fighting for.

I continued grieving my brother, Derek. Some days I still catch myself looking for him in the faces of strangers. That kind of loss never really leaves you; you just learn how to carry it differently.

Then, just when I thought I could keep pushing through anything, my own body stopped me. After ignoring the warning signs for far too long, I collapsed at work and suffered multiple seizures caused by critically low phosphorus and severe iron deficiency. It was a reminder that even those of us who spend our lives caring for others have limits, and that taking care of ourselves isn’t selfish, it’s necessary.

Recovery has changed more than my sobriety. It has changed the way I live. This past year, I financed my own vehicle. I worked hard to repair my credit instead of avoiding it. I built savings instead of spending every dollar that came in. For the first time in a long time, I don’t rely on anyone else to carry me financially. I’ve shown up to work, kept steady employment, honoured my commitments, and stopped being the person who called in or walked away when life became difficult. Today, I’m working toward something I never thought I’d be able to say out loud, buying my first home.

None of those things happened overnight. They happened one decision at a time. One shift at a time. One payment at a time. One class at a time. One day of sobriety at a time.

On August 29, I’ll celebrate one year clean and sober. A year ago, I never could have imagined writing those words. Recovery hasn’t erased the difficult days or protected me from heartbreak, loss, fear, or unexpected challenges. What it has done is give me the opportunity to face every one of those moments with a clear mind, an open heart, and the strength to keep moving forward instead of running away.

When I look back, I don’t see a year without struggles. I see a year of rebuilding trust, rebuilding my health, rebuilding my finances, rebuilding my future, and most importantly, rebuilding the relationship I have with myself.

To anyone who is where I was a year ago, please don’t believe the lie that you’re too far gone or that your past has already decided your future. A year can’t erase everything, but it can change everything if you keep showing up. One year ago I made the decision to fight for my life, and every day since then I’ve continued making that choice. As August 29th gets closer, my heart is full, not because I’ve reached the finish line, but because I’m finally living a life that I once thought was impossible.

There are moments in life that force you to stop, whether you’re ready to or not.

A little over a week ago, I went to work like it was any other day. I had been pushing myself for months, working multiple jobs, going to school full time, raising five amazing kids, trying to be everything for everyone, all while putting my own health at the bottom of the list.

The signs had been there, and I ignored them.

The exhaustion. The poor nutrition. The stress. The leg cramps in the middle of the night. Looking back now, my body had been trying to get my attention for a long time.

The day before it happened, one of my coworkers looked at me and told me to slow down. I had just come off a 12-hour shift where I’d been running around like I had a battery pack on my ass. We laughed about it, but they saw what I refused to see.

The morning it happened, something felt off. I couldn’t explain it, but I knew I didn’t feel right. I even checked my own blood pressure and blood sugar at work because I had this uneasy feeling that something wasn’t right. Everything I could think to check seemed okay, so I kept going.

I still handed out breakfast trays.

I still put everyone else first.

Then my body made the decision for me.

I collapsed at work. I had multiple seizures, bit my tongue, lost control of my bladder, and have absolutely no memory of what happened. My next memory is waking up in the back of an ambulance saying over and over, “I don’t want to die. I don’t want to leave my kids.”

The cause was critically low phosphorus along with severe iron deficiency. My body had simply run out of what it needed to keep going.

As terrifying as it was for me, my heart hurts just as much for the people who witnessed it.

It happened on the very same wing where my coworkers had only recently experienced the devastating loss of one of our own. They were already carrying so much grief, and then they were forced to watch another coworker collapse. I can’t imagine how frightening that must have been, and I’m so sorry that my medical emergency may have brought back emotions they were still trying to process.

To every one of my coworkers who rushed to help me, stayed with me, called for help, and cared for me when I couldn’t care for myself… thank you. There are no words big enough to express my gratitude.

This experience has changed me.

As caregivers, we become experts at taking care of everyone else. We tell people to listen to their bodies, to rest, to eat properly, and to seek medical attention when something doesn’t feel right. Yet so many of us convince ourselves that we can push through one more shift, one more assignment, one more day.

I learned the hard way that our bodies eventually stop asking and start demanding.

Please don’t wait until your body forces you to stop. If something feels off, listen. If you’re exhausted, rest. If you’re struggling, ask for help. No job, no deadline, and no to do list is more important than your life.

I’m incredibly grateful to still be here. Grateful for the paramedics. Grateful for the emergency staff who cared for me. Grateful for every coworker who stood beside me that morning.

Most of all, I’m grateful for another chance…not to work harder, but to live better.

Because at the end of the day, my five kids don’t need a mom who can do everything.

They just need their mom.

People ask me what it’s like doing walk blocks.

The truth is, it’s hard to explain unless you’ve done it.

For twelve hours I walk the same streets over and over. Eventually you learn where people go. You notice the alleyways, the benches, the corners hidden from everyone else. You know the places people disappear to when they don’t want to be found.

I don’t walk looking for trouble. I walk looking for breaths.

Every time I see someone bent over in the fentanyl lean or lying motionless on the ground, my stomach drops. I walk over, crouch down beside them, and count.

One breath.

Then another.

Sometimes I gently nudge their shoulder and ask, “Hey… are you okay?”

Most of the time they open their eyes and mumble, “Yeah… thanks.”

Every now and then someone gets mad that I woke them up.

Honestly, I’ll take being yelled at every single time. If they’re angry with me, they’re breathing. They’re alive.

The other day we had a barbecue at work and a man walked in who looked so much like my brother Derek that for a second my heart stopped. I caught myself staring before I realized it wasn’t him.

I don’t know if I’ll ever stop looking for my brother in other people.

Maybe grief doesn’t work that way.

Maybe when you lose someone to addiction, a part of you spends the rest of your life hoping you’ll somehow find them again.

Every person I check on is somebody’s Derek.

Somebody’s child.

Somebody’s parent.

Somebody that someone loves and is praying comes home.

I know I can’t save everyone. That’s one of the hardest lessons this job teaches you.

But if I can stop one overdose…

If I can wake one person up…

If I can buy someone one more chance to choose recovery…

Then every kilometre I walked that day was worth it.

Sometimes I think about how different my life looks now.

There was a time when I was the one who needed saving.

Now I’m the one carrying Narcan, kneeling beside strangers, counting breaths, hoping to hear, “Yeah… I’m okay.”

I don’t take that for granted.

Not for a single second.

There will come a day when my children are old enough to know the truth.

They’ll know their mom is an addict.

Not was.
Is.

Because addiction doesn’t disappear. It becomes something you learn to live with, to respect, and to fight every single day.

I used to think that truth would make them see me differently. That it would somehow erase all the things I tried so hard to be for them.

Now I hope they see something else.

I hope they see that courage isn’t found in never falling. It’s found in getting back up when everything inside you tells you not to.

I hope they understand why I chose the work I do. Why I carry Narcan. Why I kneel beside strangers on sidewalks. Why I spend my days with people the world has stopped looking at. It’s because I know what it feels like to believe you’re beyond saving. And because someone believed I wasn’t.

One day they’ll learn that recovery isn’t a finish line. It’s a decision you make over and over again. Some days quietly. Some days with everything you’ve got.

They’ll know there were nights I cried after they went to bed. Days I questioned whether I was enough. Moments I hated the person I saw in the mirror. They may even learn about the shame I carried for years.

But I hope that’s not what stays with them.

I hope they remember a mom who kept showing up.

A mom who chose honesty over pretending.

A mom who fought for herself because she loved them too much not to.

If my children inherit anything from me, I don’t want it to be my addiction.

I want it to be this:

That no matter how broken you feel…
No matter how many mistakes you’ve made…
No matter how many times you’ve fallen…

You are never beyond redemption if you’re willing to keep getting back up.

That is the legacy I’m trying to leave them.