The Unvoiced Feelings

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I am sorry for breaking your trust, mom 💔 Unvoiced feelings by Rahil👌

One day out of random, I texted her. She replied back instantly and even within her words on the mobile screen i could feel a safe space where I took no time to bare my soul out. I didn’t think twice before telling her that I am not okay. That there are a lot of things that troubling me and that I deserved better in life. I kept ranting my heart out about my fear, my insecurities, my faults, my past and she kept listening.

As if that’s what she had on her to do list that day. To patiently read each of my text, comfort my vulnerable by not shredding a drop of judgement in between and when I completed, all she said was - “I know you hardly. But I know you can do better. And even within these numbered days of our friendship, one thing I can guarantee. I am here, to sit and listen to it all. Okay?”

It’s been more than 3 years. And she still keeps her word. I always run back to her when i feel lost, rattled, frustrated or confused. But what changed is, I also rush back and dial her number on days I win,on days I have got good news and I get excited about life. She has become my human journal eventually and I had no idea this is going to come so far. Her patience to ny rants, her endurance to my mistakes, her ability to motivate me to do good regardless of my life falling apart has what helped me stand where I am today. More than a confidant, I found a part of myself in her that understands me like noone else does. And I call her my bestfriend. But I also know there’s something more than that. 

She is not the type of girl who does this for everyone she meets. She has a very private circle and claims me to be the center of it sometimes. And I am afraid deep down I know, she is more than just a friend I want in my life. She is pretty and when she smiles her eyes light up but I am not supposed to notice this. You know why, right? Because we are very good friends. And nothing ever can be worse than me losing her anyday. And even though every unconscious part of my brain involuntarily feels she is that safe space I want to spend my entire life with, I deny with all consciousness within me upfront. To myself. To the world. And sometimes, to her. 

~SM, a man’s POV.

Unloving someone who takes up a big room in your heart is always painful, but more so, it nearly kills you to unlove someone you consider your best friend and your favourite person in the world. It hurts to see the memories you once shared with laughter and joy now turn into a lump of sadness that makes you ache every time you see their face, hear their voice or read their name. 

It's a journey of conflicting and painful emotions, where we can't help but long for their presence every minute of every day, despite knowing that we need to let them go. Unloving a friend is not easy; it leaves a void in our hearts. But there's a certain comfort in knowing that many others have walked this path before us, and because they've healed from it, someday we will too. 

Amid this heartache, it's important to be kind to ourselves. Moving on comes from the acceptance of knowing that healing takes time and that the gentler we are on ourselves, the sooner the sun will shine after the darkness, and we'll be okay once again.

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