Steve Eastmond

A journey of healing begins with understanding the importance of finding the right counselor. Behind every successful therapy session is a story of connection and growth that shapes the path to wellness.

Married couples often struggle in conflict, not because their needs are unreasonable or invalid, but rather because they do not realize that the way they ask for their needs to be met is interpreted as criticism by their partner. Next time you need something from you spouse, try asking directly for the behavior you Do want to see (what you need), rather than expressing what you don’t like (the current behavior).

In my experience counseling married couples, I have learned that one of the sources of trouble in conflict is NOT that the needs that both parties have are invalid or unreasonable, but rather that the partners do not know how to ask properly for those needs to be met. Most people ask for what they need by expressing instead what they don’t like. That will always come off as a criticism. For example, if you say to your spouse, “I need you to quit sitting there doing nothing all the time,” that sounds like an attack and a criticism. What response do you THINK you’re going to get when you say it like that? Instead, engage your spouse by asking for your actual need to be met. Like this, perhaps, “Hey, would you mind helping me clean up the kitchen quickly so we can hang out?” The need in this case, obviously, is to get help around the house. But accusing your spouse of doing nothing all the time will get you a fight. Not help.

We commonly hear from our clients how happy they are to actually learn some skills that they can take home and start putting into practice, rather than just going to therapy to talk. It’s nice to have someone to talk to who will listen compassionately. But having on top of that a therapist who can also teach you the tools you can use at home to start solving problems yourself with new insights is indispensable!