Shmonehyah Arts

This is one of my favorite pictures of two of my favorite guys! For different reasons, I miss them both. It's unreal. It's unreal to lose a child, even when you know to expect it. I look at pictures of his smile and tear up because these aren't even yesterday's memories... they are older... they fall further back into my camera roll. I right scrolling for the year I born was uncomfortable. Now I'm scrolling for the last picture of my Luke and me, the last picture of all 4 of my babies when they were all living, the last picture of him smiling... and the scrolling lasts longer. I find myself taking fewer photos and resaving the ones that hold memories that I'd live to relive today. There is so much I have to let go of but imagine how it feels to let go of knowing that all of your children are alive and well. Letting go of knowing that you'll all be together as a family and hugging each of them again... seeing their smiles... watching them love on each other and drive each other crazy. There will always be tears now. Now, when my girls are home, we will always feel the missing piece. We will always feel the absence of Luke's presence. The absence of his cuddles. The warmth he brought to every space he was in. And we'll drive out to the cemetery... where only his vessel remains... and what s beautiful vessel he was.
I miss my baby. My heart breaks every morning but The Most High blessed me with the gift of being not just Luke's mom, but a mom to my daughters as well. I love my children so much. They are all a part of me. Missing a piece of me forever is the most unreal feeling I'll ever know. And I'm trying to be okay.
Please pray for me.

5 months today. It's been 5 months since I last felt your warmth. It's frightening how quickly you turned cold while the warmth of your love caused my blood to boil with pain at the thought of living without you... and the warmth of your love still heats the tears that burn the corner of my eyes every time I cry... every day... sometimes every hour. Sometimes the pain is like tiny waves crashing on my toes and other days, the tsunami that hits me drowns me instantly and my day is shaken; sometimes taken for hours.

I don't think there will ever be a pain like this. Pain? Yes. But nothing like losing the life you carried in your womb and then in your arms for 12 years.

Biggest sissy had a little bit of hard day today as well. It hurts that I can't make your sisters' pain go away either. I can't be or do everything/ anything that makes this beautifully chaotic, terribly warming reality of what feels like insufficient memories feel like something other than pain. Every day without you is too many. Every day with you wasn't enough. Love... the duality of embracing and letting go... it's kryptonite and catnip. There will never come a day that I will say that I'm good with you being gone. You made my life whole and now it will forever be in part because you will always be a part of my love... just not a physical part of my day. But I'll make room for you every day, Luke. I'll make room for it pain because it is the evidence of my love that I'll carry for you into eternity. My heart has a "you-sized" hole and always will.

Forever my baby, my son, my boy... the embodiment of living in pain with joy!