Broken Road. Redeemed.

To Be Loved…

For months I planned on writing on this blog…a small update or som**hing like it. And life just got in the way. The year of 2025 swept me off my feet. Quite literally.

When I was ending the past year I knew that I was ready to start dating. The explosive behavior of my ex-husband slowed down…my kids were moving forward and I felt like I was in a good place. Years of therapy, coaching, good community and a whole lot of Jesus mixed with an open, tender heart changed my life entirely. But I knew dating wouldn’t be easy. I had quite the story behind me…but even greater than that…I wanted a man who was chasing after God faster than me. I wanted a man who had an independent, strong relationship with our God. He needed to know the word. He needed to love God more than his own life. Not an easy find…or so I thought.

As the year ended, I got a text one morning from a friend who I knew in NC…she asked me if she could introduce me to a friend she had known for over 20 years, a single man who loved God. And my life changed in that moment, and I didn’t know it. My life coach said that God literally dropped Jacob in my lap. I didn’t have to hunt him down or swipe right a million times… he handed him to me.

So here I am 10 months later married to this amazing man. My Jacob. We both knew two months into this that we were intended for each other. We knew it was special. We knew God had his hand on us. Jacob pursued me, like I have never been pursued before. And still does. He loved me fervently since the beginning. I didn’t have to beg for his love. He has prayed over me and with me since then. Every morning he would pray over me and every night we would end the night with a prayer, from 500 miles away. It’s a love that I have never experienced in my life. I was told by close friends years ago that I deserved to be loved by a man who loves women. I didn’t understand that because at the time it was the only love that I experienced. Years of sitting in a loveless, abusive, lonely marriage that I was trying to fix and tape together to look good…are all gone. That life to me is now unrecognizable. I am now covered by the sweetest of men, who loves me so well.
My children are spread out to various places…all grown. But I love that I talk to them all the time and they know their mom will always be their biggest cheerleader and will be there for them always. I am in NC…I moved my whole life for this precious man. I knew that was the best thing to do. I know that God is truly doing a new thing. God opened up the door for all of this to come together.
Some may say we are crazy for getting married so quickly, but we knew that we were doing the right thing. Life is short…and when you know the person is right, go for it. And being believers, we had to honor God and knew that living together wasn’t an option. We pursued purity in our courtship from day one. God has blessed that choice. Our wedding in August was just so beautiful. So many friends said they felt the Holy Spirit throughout the sanctuary. His presence was thick.

So, my story of redemption…this broken road has been redeemed. God took me through the worst fire…never letting go…and brought me to the other side…as a confident, trusting in him woman. The person I became after this road is better than I could ever imagine. He made me whole, so that I could who I needed to be. I became strong in my singleness. But God had more. He was preparing me for my next. For Jacob. For this new season in NC. For whatever he has next.

I am just so thankful. God was faithful. God never let go. He held me so tight. No matter what came my way, he didn’t let it take me. And now, here I am, loving my life as Mrs. Hutcher. ❤️

I Met My Younger Self for Coffee

She was 20 minutes early and I was just on time.

We found that we still don’t like coffee.

She was in a plain tshirt and shorts, and I was in a cute dress.

She told me how she struggled with her relationship with her father and she always just wanted a true dad in her life. I would tell her that one day you would know that your dad gave his best and he was just a hurt person. You would have peace with him when he was gone. But your father in heaven would fill the gaps.

She told me how she knew her husband didn’t love her. I would tell her that she would learn to love herself. He didn’t love himself and was living in his own lie…how could he love you?

She talked about how busy she was at home with 5 kids, homeschooling them and running the house.
I told her how one day she would start up and run her own business, educating kids across the globe.

She told me how hard it was to have five kids, including one who was handicapped.
I told her how they would one day be her greatest joy, especially the one who was handicapped. He would make her smile wide.

She told me how she felt like she lost herself and didn’t know who she was in the midst of motherhood. I told her that one day soon she would find herself, and be so sure of who she was, no one would be able to steal it.

She shared how she kept discovering little lies from her husband…she knew he wasn’t being honest with her. Little lies grow into big lies. I told her that those lies would try to destroy her and would almost crush her…but God, he cared for her and she came out whole.

She told me how she struggled with her relationship with God and how she never felt like she met what he asked for. I told her that one day she would enjoy such a beautiful intimacy with God and he would be her rescuer in the midst of the worst hurt.

She shared how she was afraid to be alone, and put up with so much mental, emotional and verbal abuse from her husband.
I told her how one day she would love the time she had by herself and that should still be surrounded by amazing community and family.

She told me that she never felt enough. I told her that it would come…who she was in Christ would override all her fears.

Finally, she told me that she was afraid to break the facade and let people know who she really was.
I told her that the facade would be broken and that breaking would be the beginning of the best life God had for her.

I hope one day to meet her again for coffee.

Why do we stay????

A friend who I haven’t seen in years text me recently and said that my blog posts were a guiding light for her. I had no idea. I had no idea she was under abuse. Like so many other marriages. She is now out, and finding a new life. But it made me happy to know that my words may have changed another person’s life.

I was talking to my best friend yesterday and I showed her a picture of me three months before my husband left. Three months before my rescue. The stress in my face is so evident. I was tired. I was tense. Some of my children were out of control…a response to what was going on behind the scenes. I knew som**hing was off. My husband was anxious, depressed and his drinking was out of control. Little did I know that he was smoking m**h on the side. Yes, I know…I said it. M**h. I was shocked as you are right now when I found out a year after he left. Now we see all the symptoms…but at the time we had no idea. He was angry. Short tempered. But he was trying to balance two lives. Meet ups with his boyfriend, a demanding job and a big family at home. Living a double life can take a toll. I can see why he was stressed. And I was trying to make everything as peaceful as possible. I was believing for him. For us. I was not going to let go of my family that I always wanted and dreamed of. So when I think of that picture, I know that was not the life I should have been living. So why do we stay? Why do we sit in abuse?

-We love them.
-We believe in them more than they believe in themselves.
-It will get better.
-We believe in covenant and commitment.
-We are so used to the name calling, hurt, pain, unloving attitude…it’s our norm.
-We don’t believe in ourselves. Our self esteem is at a 0. We don’t love ourselves.
-We don’t think we can do it on our own.

There is a long list. Just put your excuse in. There are so many. I loved him. Every single day. I loved him so much and though I knew things weren’t right, I just knew it would get better. One day he would show that he loved me. One day he would be the man I knew he could be. But…it wasn’t my job. It wasn’t my place to hold him up and try to maintain his mental health. It wasn’t my job to try to make him love me. And now I know.
Now I know that I love myself enough to not live under that. I know that my dreams aren’t always reality. I know that there is a better life. It took time to get here. When you sit under abuse for decades it’s hard to change the mindset. From that time he called me that horrific name 6 months into our marriage, to the years of verbal abuse after he left. I had to replace the lies with truth. I had to start believing what God had for me more than what my husband had for me. The truth truly sets you free. It’s what God says will happen and I have lived it. Releasing myself from that burden of lies and hurt allowed me to walk forward with my new life. I know that I loved big. But I also know that I stayed too long and those years of hurt took a toll. But redemption is here. I am living God’s blessing right now.

Recently, I got to sit down and share some of my story on my friend’s podcast. My heart was to share how I came from the deepest hole to thriving in life. God is redeeming all lost.
❤️❤️https://open.spotify.com/episode/2iaif65bH25AtQnRFhfYo9?

S.2 E.1-She Licked The Floor of Hell and Started Replacing The Lies With The Truth w/ Allison Logan Conquering Chaos Podcast II-Ebb &Flow: A Journey Thru · Episode

Capturing the Peace I Desperately Needed!

Another year came to a close, another year behind us. A fresh start. New chapter. It always feels good when we move into a new year. I can look back over 2024 and know that it’s been the best year that I have had since 2016. That was the year my mom died. And my life changed forever. From that point my life spiraled into many crazy directions. Though I felt out of control, God was moving mightily on my behalf. He was orchestrating my rescue. Now that I look back, it was beautiful.

As I finished 2024, one of the biggest gifts that I received from God was peace. Peace hovers over me like never before. It’s som**hing that God wants to give to us…but we must receive it with a surrendering of things in our own life. And that’s what I did. And the main thing that I surrendered was…releasing others in my life who hurt me. I released my ex-husband from not making amends…for not owning his story. Not once has he admitted to me the horrific things he did to myself and our family. I released him and others for the lack of apology. I released all the people that have hurt me along the way. I released the few people who stood beside this man, while he ravaged us. They bought the lies just like I had before. I let them go. My complete healing doesn’t require for these people to do these things. It was me who needed to release them and allow God to work. When I did this, everything changed in my life. My future is without these people, so I couldn’t let them hinder me from living my best life.
2024 was the year that I captured that peace. 2024 was when I truly started to find my new life. Redemption is here. 2024 is when I saw my kids starting to have some normalcy again, with or without their dad. 2024 is when I was able to put my shield down a bit and breathe. 2024 is when I truly saw beautiful for the first time ever in my life.

I feel like I can’t describe this beautiful peace that hovers over me correctly. I have been wanting to write about this for weeks, but I couldn’t find the right words. But I know there are so many of us who need to release some people in our lives…they may never say sorry, make things right or own their stories. But that doesn’t stop you from releasing them so you can have true peace. Their actions don’t change you from having the ability to heal and live in peace. I verbally…out loud…released these people in my life. Take that step today. It will change your life and bring a freedom that you have never lived before.
2025 is the year that I turn 50! I am celebrating all year long, the beautiful life that God gave me. I am forever in awe of him and what he has done in my life. Praise him!❤️

How was I unsafe?

Recently, my google photos popped up a video I took in 2021. It was summer time, and we were at the beach. I recorded my sweet little niece dragging her metal shovel up the ramp to our cars. And that metal shovel was making the loudest noise possible…bumping along the cement. When this video appeared it took me right back to that moment…and the thoughts that were in my head. It was during this time that my husband was in one of his “I am going to leave you cycles.” I lived this misery for almost our whole marriage. Only a few people knew…my closest girlfriends. Every 6 months to a year he would tell me he was going to leave…never for a solid reason. He would spout off a list of reasons, but never anything solid. Never the real reason that he wanted to go live a life as a homosexual. Not because he was miserable living a lie and wanted out. And every single time he would choose to stay. And it would feel like whiplash to me. I would go full speed ahead into “how can I be the perfect wife/mother/person mode.” I had to figure out how to have him stay in our marriage and stop the rollercoaster. I never could. I was in manic mode all the time. I couldn’t be who I wanted to be because I needed to keep him. I loved him so much and I didn’t want to lose him. So at that moment…while I was watching that video of my niece…with that loud sound of the shovel, I was trying to grasp in my head…would he stay? What can I do to be better? I am never good enough. Have you ever been there? I know I am not alone.

When I went into counseling that first week after he finally left, my counselor heard about this decades long cycle I had been in and I still remember her saying, “you have been in a cycle of abuse for years and you didn’t even know it.” My heart was so sad. I put myself in such an unsafe spot of never feeling worthy, loved or cherished.
I spent those final years not joining in activities in the evenings with friends because he said we were too busy. Instead we stayed home alone. Isolated. If the kids acted up I wouldn’t tell him because I didn’t want him to handle the stress. I dealt with it all by myself. I tried to maintain his own mental health status, while my own was ignored. He was struggling with depression and anxiety and I tried to make everything as peaceful as possible. I have since learned that this wasn’t my job. And it never should have been.

After he left I had to go through extensive STD testing. As the truth came out slowly and his activities for YEARS was revealed, I knew that my own life had been in danger. His unfaithfulness extended from people I know to online sites of strangers. Thankfully my bloodwork came back clear. I know now that there was such a grace of protection over me during my marriage. God guarded me. I am so thankful. To know that many aren’t as blessed as I was, makes me sad. The one man who I loved so much left me wide open to death and destruction. I whisper to myself all the time, “Allison, you are safe now.”

I still remember my divorce lawyer and my brother telling me that I should insist on a financial discovery for my soon to be ex. We were in her office figuring out what the next step was. I remember saying, “ I see all the money that comes in the house.” They both laughed and knew that I was dealing with a man who was a pathological liar. So we had all of his financial documents pulled, including his business account. That’s when I started to see who I was truly dealing with. Thousands of dollars had been hidden as far back as we could see. He would lie to me monthly about how much his commissions were (I corresponded old text messages when he would tell me what his monthly commission pay was with his actual business bank statements). They didn’t line up…he lied to me month after month after month. And then he proceeded to blow through all that money…and I had no idea. I didn’t have access to his business account and didn’t think I needed to. Those last days he held back huge chunks of money that he spent on a cruise with his boyfriend, expensive jewelry, and high cost living. I could have fought for this money…half of it was legally mine. It was all documented. But at the time of my divorce, I chose not to. I chose my mental health over a court battle. I was unsafe. Not cared for. Not loved.

Back to that moment of my niece with the banging shovel on the cement…I realized as I watched that video…how unsafe I was, for so many years. And it wasn’t ok. I needed to share this part of my story, because I am not the only one who may be trapped in similar circumstances. And then I thought about all the other ladies who have shared with me over the last two years about their marriages. And how unsafe they are. I was not alone. You are not alone. And there is hope and help. Moments now when I am in my beautiful home alone…knowing that my future is not based on the ups and downs of one man who didn’t love me, brings me the most peace. My life is stable. It’s calm. It’s what I wanted and deserved. I savor that peace over my life. Nobody should be placed in situations where they are in unsafe conditions. I write this with vulnerability, knowing that my story may save another. I now sit in utter humbleness before God knowing he kept me safe, loved me and was paving a way of rescue the whole time. He is there for you today too.

Sometimes I have no words for the life that I get to freely live. I truly stand in awe of the hand of God in my life over the last years. I told someone the other day that I truly licked the floor of hell in 2022. I was plunged into the scariest world that I never thought I would know. I was surrounded by lies, words spoken to me that were said to distract me, and I couldn’t see anything…I was totally in the black. I didn’t know what was real and unreal…and I kept believing this man who I loved for almost 30 years. And now, here I am, free, loved and so incredibly happy. My brother told me the other day, “Allison I never would have believed your story if I hadn’t walked it out with you. It’s been unbelievable.” Only those closest to me know the details.

One of the things I have wrestled with is making sure I move on completely, but still not letting go of my testimony. Finding a good balance has been a priority. I am whole heartedly in my new life, but at the same time I am still reaching back and pulling other women out of the fire. I am not the only one who needed help out of abuse. So because of that my testimony is very much part of who I am.

For those who have watched my journey…

*I am close to 50 pounds lost! Hallelujah!
*I am working with a trainer 2x a week to build strength back to my beaten down body.
*My business is thriving. I feel so blessed.
*All my children are active parts of my life and are walking out healing from all the trauma. Four of them have walked away from a relationship with their father to protect themselves. They know who they are dealing with. I am proud of them, but at the same time so sad because they deserved better.
*My church community is thriving. I am hosting two small groups this season, still serve some Sundays and am loving the relationships I am building.

*I just took all 5 kids to Arizona for their cousin’s wedding. It was the first trip together since our family fell apart. It was such a success. I loved every minute being with all 5 of my kids.

*I have learned how to love being alone, and cherishing every moment of silence. I never thought this extrovert could be here. It’s such a sweet spot.

*I have several trips planned to new places next year…discovering a world I have yet to see.

*One of my biggest successes is knowing that I don’t control anything, except how I respond. This brought such freedom. I was a tried and true control freak…and that has been let go. My other brother and I were talking the other night and he was shocked at how I responded to som**hing that happened recently. He expected one thing and got another. I told him…that’s not me any more. I don’t control people, or situations. I just control me. Freedom!!!! He was proud of me!

*I still have the same amazing community…which has expanded…who kept me alive and living the past 3 years. I am so thankful.

*I have worked with an amazing life coach for the past few months and I have made the biggest changes in my life. I am still a believer in going to therapy first (which I am so thankful for), and then the next step for me was a life coach to be part of the new me launching into my new life. I am there now…it’s so freaking exciting the world I am stepping into!!! I am so thankful for my life coach.

*I keep the least amount of contact with my ex husband and it will stay that way. The only way to reach me is through email, and I keep all communication limited. It’s a solid boundary that won’t move. I know who I am dealing with and that keeps me from breaking boundaries. I am reminded daily that I am not fighting flesh and blood but mighty powers of a dark world. There are things that I currently know about that shake me to my core…but I know that God has every battle in his hand! My ex husband continues to be inconsistent with everything he has agreed to. He isn’t any bit of the man I once knew. I stand before the Lord every day speaking the names of my children out to him…to
protect them, heal them and for the kids to make the right choices. I believe in all the promises spoken over us.

I will continue to write if I feel like som**hing needs to be shared. I always try to hear from God on what to write about. So many people have told me to write a book…I may do that. I am unsure. The one thing I am sure of is that God never let me go, and he kept me going on this road. Thank you to everyone who have loved me, supported me and have been along this path.
My life is a reminder that our God is faithful.

Guilt and Shame

Awhile back I went to dinner with a group of people who I love and trust. One of those people asked for an update on my life. The conversation unexpectedly turned a few minutes later into them each talking about how they knew years ago (some of them decades) that my ex-husband had been a homosexual. Not definitely knowing, but a strong knowing. There were a few laughs… I was used to these stories. It’s not the first time I had heard them. And I know these friends did not intentionally try to hurt me or make fun. But somehow, this night, it hurt right to my core. I drove home from dinner crying softly. Though this moment hurt, it opened up a conversation that I needed to have happen with trusted counsel. I didn’t know I was living under the guilt and shame of not knowing the truth that my husband had been a homosexual all those years. I was angry at myself…not for my own actions, but for living under that and not having eyes to see. The burden I was carrying was heavy. And it was impeding me from moving forward.

Two weeks later I sat down with someone and talked about that night. What I learned truly freed me like I haven’t felt in a long time. I realized it was OK that I didn’t know my husband was gay. It was OK that I loved BIG and believed in the man I married. It was OK that I assumed that he was walking in integrity like I was. It was OK that I stayed all those years even though I saw red flags. I learned that I can’t get angry at myself for not knowing someone else is hurting me. It’s OK that I believed in covenant and commitment and always believed the best in people. I did not have to live under the embarrassment of “not knowing.”

In 2018, I was at Target with my girls and I had a message request flash on my phone from an unknown person. I honestly can still see myself opening up that message. A man sent me two screenshots of a conversation he had had with my husband. My husband had been soliciting him sexually. It was clear as day. I remember almost fainting in the check out line at Target, but kept myself together because I was with my girls. Instead of taking a moment and figuring out my next step, I immediately sent the pictures to my husband. I forever regret that. It gave him enough time to make up a story. By time I got home he had a whole story made up of what happened. Looking back now, this was his moment to come out and be honest. He was already fully into this lifestyle and I didn’t know. Everything could have changed right here. Sadly, it didn’t. I remember standing there in our room as he told me this tale. I knew it sounded fake. I knew it wasn’t right. I was so hurt. He then lied again and told me he would reach out to his best friend and talk about what had happened. All of these were lies that I wouldn’t know for years. But I loved this man. I loved our life in so many ways. And I believed him. I lived for 6 years under the guilt of that decision. The burden was so heavy.

I lived under the guilt and shame of not showing my girls how to be loved by a man. To be cherished, pursued and honored was not given to them as an example. What I did show them is that you put up with as much abuse as you can take, until it crushes you. I lived under that guilt and shame.

I lived under the guilt of shame of buying the facade that he built for years. Being a Christian family with a bunch of kids, homeschooling and church members…was a great place to hide. I didn’t even see him hiding behind that front. The guilt and shame of buying that facade nearly crushed me. I didn’t know what was true or untrue for over a year after he left. I am thankful for my people who dragged me into reality.

So many people asked me…how didn’t you know? And all I can say is that I loved this man so much and I believed in the best of him. I believed he was an amazing man who would rise up one day to be the man I always imagined he would be. Though I had concerns because of the few things that had popped up, I never in my wildest dreams thought that he would go down the road of destruction that he is on. I truly believed he was wrestling in his head with old demons. Not a man fully living a second life.

Guilt and shame is a place that paralyzes you from moving forward. It will accuse you into a corner that you cannot get out of. I hadn’t even been responsible for the hurt, but I took on the responsibility of all of it. I was so angry at myself for not seeing the truth. I was mad at myself for loving him so much that I didn’t see blatant red flags right in front of my face. I was angry that I wasted so many years of my life loving a man who didn’t love me. Now, I am free.

And you know what…so many of you are living under this same burden. The burden could be from another person’s action…or it can be from your own. Reach out to others involved and ask for forgiveness (if necessary). Forgive yourself. Take ownership of the part you played. And stop letting guilt and shame immobilize you. Seek outside help if needed. The burden is so heavy that it will keep you in a place of being locked down and not living the life God wants for you. I was freed from this burden. I let myself go from the entanglement that the enemy wanted for me. I was stuck in that place. No more. Freedom is so much easier. So much sweeter. And I know the Lord has the same for you. Today.

Four years ago I saw the saying, “Beautiful girl, you can do hard things,” etched on a bracelet online. I cried when I saw that saying. I posted this exact picture on my social media that day. I was just days out from my husband confessing that he had cheated on me 10 years beforehand. I still remember him sitting there telling me. That moment hurt like I never felt before. It plunged me into a years worth of counseling. I questioned every inch of myself and took the blame. Little did I know that he would later confess and his boyfriend confirmed that he made up the story to get me to leave. He was fully in this second life that he had made. And I was not part of that life or his future life. That depth of deception and lies was just the beginning of what I was about to embark on. How anyone could cause so much pain to someone was beyond me? I was so naive. So, I bought that bracelet and wore it all the time to remind myself that I could do hard things. I needed to hear it and speak it.

That confession was the being of a rollercoaster in my life. Nobody knew it. Only my therapist. I couldn’t share with anyone. Beautiful girl, you can do hard things.

I have walked my kids through the discovery of a secret drug addiction with their other parent. The damage done has been heartbreaking, and still I am dealing with this today. Beautiful girl, you can do hard things.

Figuring out what was real and what wasn’t real. Knowing I walked in authenticity has been key. But the pain has been deep. I have deleted so many pictures…I feel like a portion of my life disappeared. I can only walk in truth. Beautiful girl, you can do hard things.

Watching your children be abandoned by their other parent, has been devastating. The look on their faces will forever stay in my mind. Knowing he chose his new life over them. Being mother and father simultaneously to my kids was not a role I thought I would walk, has been a stretching. Beautiful girl, you can do hard

Stepping up and being the bread winner of my household after staying home with my kids for 26 years has been a new horizon. I found out quickly that God was my provider. I am thankful for faithful friends who spoke truth to me that God would make a way. And he did. Every single month. Until I was flourishing. He made me beyond capable to do this. Beautiful girl, you can do hard things.

One of the hardest things was finding the truth. I had to w**d through every old lie, current lie and even future lies. Lies spoken to me and emailed to me as we walked through our divorce. I can say that my discernment in this area was weak. I didn’t want to believe the truth. I just couldn’t imagine one person who I loved so dearly could cause so much harm. Once again, my friends, family and therapist kept the truth in front of me. I am so thankful. The truth truly sets you free.

I am wearing that bracelet today. Not to be reminded like I needed years before. I am no longer that girl from four years ago. I know I can and will do hard things and will triumph over them. I have been through hell and back multiple times. Just like the three men in the fiery furnace in the book of Daniel, I have come out not singed or not even with the smell of smoke. I can shout Hallelujah…he brought me through and he will bring every one of my kids through this triumphantly. I still have prayer warriors praying for my kids and myself. We are covered.

I can only think of some of you….Beautiful girl, you can do hard things. Yes, you can. You can overcome lies, divorce, death, sickness, surgeries, depression, anxiety…you can do hard things. You can come out without being burned. You can come out with clarity, understanding and a love for other people that you have never had. Nobody deserves trauma and devastating events in life, but we all will…but once you can get past the initial impact, you can become a person who can dissect what has happened…find out what is true and not true, see real intentions and figure out how to move on with your life in wholeness. My life is living proof. I took all of this trauma…four years worth of a rollercoaster that I couldn’t get off…hit by hit by hit…to the point where my close people answered the phone with…”what happened?”…and I am making a new life of beautiful things. So what’s your hard today? You can and will make it through. Beautiful girl, you can do hard things.