Blind and Autistic

Today is the first time since Sunday that I can say I'm okay. I haven't been officially diagnosed yet, but I probably have PDA along with my autism and ADHD. Mom was over on Sunday. (She usually comes over to feed me once a day), and that day she was trying to change the address on my Chase card because she no longer lives at the address listed on the card. But instead of giving me the choice to give the lady my permission, she told me I had to talk to her and give her my personal info to verify that it's really me and not some fraudster. Because she didn't phrase it in the form of a question, I had a screaming fit. Ever since Sunday, I've been walking on eggshells around myself—afraid of having another meltdown—especially in front of other people. This one came on without warning. I had none of the usual warning signs in my body. I just started screaming. I even scared myself with the force of my screams. It was embarrassing to Mom because she was still on the phone with this lady. I apologized and tried to explain myself as best I could, but I was rattled for the next few days. I was almost to the point of su***de to prevent another meltdown. But then, Raeana, (my daughter), wrote me a novel about how I was her best friend and how I shouldn't listen to the dark thoughts in my mind, and she told me how much I'd miss if I killed myself. I had no idea I meant so much to her because she's usually a daddy's girl. When she was little she wanted nothing to do with me. I still have that message in my phone, and I've added it to my diary so I'll always have it. I balked at sharing it on Facebook though because I have her father on my page, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. She reminded me of how much I'm loved. She did for me what fifty hospital stays could never do in a million years. She loves me; that's all that matters. love hadappymama.

After an entire night of downloading and redownloading, I finally got my personal voice to work. For those of you who aren't as savvy with the I-phone as I am, a personal voice is a voice you create on your I-phone that's supposed to sound like you. I'm not sure how this voice sounds like me, but it has even more expression than the Siri voices when you put them on narration mode. I had to record 150 phrases to create this voice, and because Siri kept waking up, it took all night for me to generate it because your I-phone must be locked and charging for it to be ready. However, I can at least say I'm amused by the result thus far. 🤣

This is what I've been trying to get people to understand for years—even before I was diagnosed as being a high-functioning autistic woman.