Life's Messy But So Am I, pull up a chair and enjoy

Thank you doll!!!

TikTok · Diary of Sarah Jay 1049 likes, 76 comments. “ ”

Go follow my girl!! Love you Bae

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Yesss

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Its literally happening to me now. Growing to stop having love in my heart for those people and its weird to me that that is what needed to happen from day 1. Shouldn't we care and love everyone? In a perfect world i suppose :/

This is what dysregulation actually looks like.
I’m in EMDR. That means my nervous system is wide open and doing deep repair, not “being dramatic” or “overreacting.” When there’s no support, no safety, and constant emotional whiplash, this is what happens to the mind and body.
And people still say, “Just push through.”
Push through what?
Staying sick?
Staying dependent?
Staying small so others don’t have to self-reflect?
Because I see it clearly now. I will never heal in an environment that constantly backtracks, negates, and undoes my progress because the people around me refuse to do any work on themselves.
And when that lack of care comes from the one person you should be able to trust the most, it cuts deeper than anything else.
I’m also facing SSDI, possible job loss due to an Optum merger, and missing an HR meeting while on short-term disability. All at once. With minimal real-life support.
So yes, right now I’m coloring, laying with my family, playing with puppies, and over-processing everything. Because that’s what regulation looks like when your system is overloaded and still trying to survive.
The dogs stayed calm.
They worked it out.
They modeled emotional safety immediately.
If a Cavapoo can do that on day one, I’m comfortable saying the problem isn’t me.
This isn’t weakness.
It’s data.
And I’m done pretending I should be able to heal in chaos

Oh by the way, we got a new baby today to help me heal and stay regulated if possible and his name is Pikachu and my kids, husband and I adore him. And love our little family.. just wish I didn't drag them through so much hell struggling to brush my hair sometimes. This all sucks so much. K gonna try to go to bed I feel sick and need rest and sleep my stomach is hurting and cant eat and this is all probably why this time. A yo e have ideas or anything helpful or positive or insights. Counselors say to leave but I cant figure out how we can double expenses when im making 80% and if i get on SSDI thats even less because ive struggled to work my whole life. Ok bye I gotta get off and try to do something else. Anyone have any work opportunities in Arizona, work from home, low stress, or someone to help me in any way even tips on brushing my hair I know we are so brilliant and come up with the best solutions so im going to my village lovies. Help!! Xoxo

EMDR processing for late diagnosed AuDHD and what Unmasking looks like. Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.

Had a really rough couple of days.
First full dysregulation episode while doing EMDR with zero meds. No safety net. Just my nervous system wide open doing what trauma therapy actually does when you’re not supported.
Watch this video.
Then watch the next long a$$ one.
This is what dysregulation and lack of support actually do to the mind and behavior.
And people still say, “It’s not that big of a deal, just push through.”
Push through what?
Staying sick?
Staying dependent?
Staying small so everyone else stays comfortable?
Because honestly, that’s what it feels like.
I had moments where I just wanted to disappear. Go sleep in a cave for a few weeks. No noise. No emotional whiplash. Just heal.
And here’s the part I can’t ignore anymore:
I will never heal in an environment that constantly backtracks, negates, and undoes my progress because the people I live with refuse to self-reflect, do their own work, or give a single crap about how their behavior impacts me.
And when that comes from the one person you should be able to trust completely?
That hurts the most. By far.
Why is that considered acceptable?
Meanwhile I’m staring down SSDI, possibly losing my job because of an Optum merger, missing a scheduled HR meeting because I’m on short-term disability… all while navigating this without real support.
Totally normal. Very sustainable. Love that for me.
So yes, right now my life consists of coloring, playing with puppies, laying with my family, overanalyzing everything, and helping others process because at least that is welcome somewhere.
It’s just wild that my “village” mostly exists online or at a distance. That if I want support, I have to go find it myself. That feels lonely as hell, and it’s not how this is supposed to work.
And before anyone asks, no — nobody has read the book about AuDHD or neurodivergence. And somehow it’s also my fault I didn’t press play for them and force their ears and brain to absorb it.
My bad.
I’m smart, but unfortunately not telepathic.
The dogs, though?
They’re calm.
They’re regulated.
They figured it out day one.
So if a Cavapoo can model emotional safety faster than grown adults, I’m comfortable saying the problem is not me.
This isn’t drama.
It’s data.
And I’m done pretending this level of noise, blame, and neglect is something I should be able to “push through.”

Processing EMDR for High functioning AuDHD & Unmasking Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.

We made the best decision today for our little brilliant family.
We got Pikachu, a 3 year old fluff muffin Cavapoo. They’re known for being calm, emotionally intuitive, and great for neurodivergent families.
Plot twist: lol, that part was completely accurate.
We did slow introductions.
Healthy communication between dogs.
Some playful barking.
No aggression.
No chaos. Ok… very minimal chaos at first.
Then both dogs asleep on our bed, under the blanket, peaceful and regulated.
So yes.
The dogs understood the assignment.
Unfortunately, the humans did not.
I’m in EMDR right now. That means my nervous system is wide open and healing from a lifetime of masking and late-diagnosed AuDHD and giftedness. Instead of support, I got screaming, gaslighting, projection, and being told I’m “fake” for staying calm while trying to communicate.
Apparently calm now equals manipulative.
Good to know. Noted.
I asked why there’s so much disgust and hate in her eyes when she looks at me.
The answer was basically… yes.
Not denial.
Not confusion.
Just confirmation.
And honestly? Thank you for the clarity. That saved me a lot of time and future pain.
Here’s what I know now: I cannot stay regulated here.
I cannot heal here.
I cannot safely prepare my body or mind for another baby here.
I cannot be my most authentic or productive self in an environment where I’m expected to need nothing and then punished for trying to grow.
Therapy does not magically cancel out a space that keeps lighting the nervous system back on fire.
Funny enough: The dog stayed calm.
The dogs worked it out.
The dogs modeled emotional safety.
So if our Cavapoo Pikachu can do this on day one, I’m comfortable saying the problem is not me.
This isn’t drama.
It’s data.
And I’m done suffering based on someone else’s moods. I see now that no matter what I do or say, my own mom will never believe in me, trust me, or respect me. That hurts. A lot. But pretending otherwise hurts more.
I’m starting to believe I was never actually “the problem.”
I just grew up in an environment that had no interest in self-awareness, accountability, or change.
So now we figure out what living on our own looks like.
Because forcing myself to survive in something this unnatural is making me physically ill.
And I’m done with that.

Yess love!!! Speak it, spread it!!

TikTok · rhys 3434 likes, 214 comments. “We experience sense and emotions in a heightened way, meaning our anger is not your anger and demonizing our mental health is not parallel with the support you claim to be willing to give. Let’s challenge these scripts and allow ourselves to feel without judgment or wo...

I do love them and always did!! Growing my village is life changing!! Happy Tuesday beauties!!

TikTok · Cathy 💋 2184 likes, 22 comments. “I was truly sobbing after this quick clip 🥺 absolute couple goals”

Love her so much!! Go follow her for more tisms and laugh your ass off and feel like you are home!! Hugs ya'll!! K love you byeeeeeee

TikTok · bibblebubblebee 1440 likes, 19 comments. “Booo tomatoes I’m throwing tomatoes at you.”

Hell yeah 5ks are so fun. Ive done a color run a while back so so fun!!

Quick question…. #whatisa5k #marathon #imanathlete