Masks, Mirrors and Magic

Here we go!

I am reflecting after having Thanksgiving and all the feelings and questions I experienced with it. We are approaching the end of the year 2025, the year of the snake. This year, I have been forced to choose between the necessity of my own rebirth and a continued existence with the poisonous and toxic behaviors existing within myself and others. I shed my skin or get thrown in the pit with vipers. To change, I needed to create an awareness of the old thought patterns and past experiences that perpetuate the same behaviors and outcomes in my life.

I practiced gratitude yesterday, through moments, movement, and observation of my thought patterns. I was brought to tears many times as beautiful experiences unfolded for me, where I could witness changes and forward movement towards a higher version and perspective. I felt the connection to a higher realm, a version of myself and life that would be life-altering for the greatest good.

I was brought to tears by the contrasting feelings of loss and longing for people who could not be present, and feeling the heaviness of guilt, regret, loss, and finally accepting this is for now. I had to surrender control and my propensity to take on all the responsibility and all the accountability for others, leading to my own self-destruction. I had to let go of the need for anything to be any different than what was being given to me now.

As I rode the thoughts, emotions, and what I was observing. I saw love, I saw people being accepted for their own version of who they are, and choose to be, I saw a deep reverence for the higher power, and how they KNOW healing comes from faith. I was met by family, friends, and “strangers” who were all aligned with sacred love, grace, gratitude, and forgiveness. I was met by honesty, raw, authentic truth, and understanding all around.

For me I have adopted this mindset, a perception, and a way of choosing to turn my life around by choosing what I see. Saint Augustine petitioned for this very idea, 'Faith is to believe what you do not yet see; the reward for this faith is to see what you believe."

It is a choice, a call to action, to live for the future or stay in battle attempting to slay those dark reminders of the past. I hear many, including myself, resist and defy the way forward. I have championed for the victim I used to be. I listened to her cries and her screams of suffering, agony, and prayers begging God, please, I am so tired of suffering. I sat with her, rocked her, and listened as my soul said, “It is ok, I am here, I got you.”

It was so difficult to believe with the experience that came before…before now, it could have been presented any differently. Now, my mind is focused on questions and finding the answers within myself and the answers my Higher Power provides. I am listening more intently now and fine-tuning my intuition. I have been hearing the call through the static of distractions. It is like a radio dial; I can hear garbled voices under a heavy static on 101.1, but once I get it dialed to 111.1, I can hear it clearly.

I am tuned into the messages, and I question and test this new reality:
Could this be true? SO, you're telling me, I can be happy, I can have my desires met, I can create the vision and version of myself that experiences those feelings, those adventures, the secret longings of my heart?

You mean, what was in store for me isn’t more disappointment, more heartbreak, more demons to slay, more rattlesnakes in the brush. I don’t have to be a superhero/villain anymore? Can I hang up my disguises, my masks, and the roles?

I can be like Steve Rogers, Captain America, and give up the fight? I now have a choice: I can be with the love of my life and create the life I have always dreamed of. I can jump timelines and step away from memories, beliefs, patterns? I do not have to continuously exist around battles, dichotomies, and two sides. Seriously?

I DO have a choice. I CAN be living the life I love! I can surrender the memories, the beliefs, the patterns, and drop the heavy load! I CAN choose to be a creator. I CAN look at doubt and say, “OH YEAH! WATCH ME!”

I understand this is not a fairy tale. I mean, I have been met with opposition. It truly irks me when people assume you have no idea what you are doing. It is their own fight for life sucks, people reject, people lie, people betray. Here is my evidence. No one in fairy tales has ever met opposition like this; there is no such thing as happily ever after, RIGHT?.

Of course, this is no fairy tale. There is no happily ever after because I have not experienced it; there is only conflict and pain. I can see how this can be true. I have also met people who have created their dreams, their desires, their own version of happily ever after.

I am confident I have met the Devil in carnate on many occasions. In most of these occasions, I had to look inside and recognize the “devil” in me. My mind works in funny ways. There was once I had this thought, “Hell came with its handbasket again, AND decided to jump right in! AGAIN!!!” All the while I screamed, “Yippe-ki-yay, Mother F*****r!” I laughed so hard at myself. My therapist got a kick out of it, too. We agreed, John McClane would be so proud! He would lovingly say, “Welcome to the party, pal!”

I had to recognize how I welcomed Hell, the Devil, and all the darker entities into my reality now, when they no longer existed. I am here, surrounded by support, love, and protection. I also now know I can banish and befriend what comes towards me, depending.

In the past, I chose to suffer along with those who are suffering and continued along the path and patterns that keep the misery and suffering alive. Misery loves company, and when you feel lonely and abandoned, it seems the only way to be. It is better to live with what you know than what you don’t know.

I believed it to be noble to suffer and endure to protect, provide, and share with others. It just didn’t feel right. I have come to a time where I consult the great questions of the artists of the past. Hamlet's famous "to be, or not to be" soliloquy, which questions the virtue of enduring life's hardships versus fighting against them.

“Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing them, end them.”

A sea of troubles? Don’t we all have them? We share how our bosses, the neighbor, the spouse, the kids, all cause this chaos in our existence. We share our pain. We share our victimhood. They did this, they did that, and we share our own versions of how we are also kept down by the actions of others.

This begs me the question, what if I rose above the suffering, what if I rose above the waters, boarded a boat, and became a sailor? What if this is how I opposed the sea of troubles by sailing across them, by navigating through them, and thus ending them? I can sail to a shore of safety! A safe harbor with a lighthouse that led my way.

Once I start sailing the ocean, seeing the wide open skies, smelling the fresh saltwater air, feeling the breeze giving me a good wash and blowing the dark dusty things out of my mind, my space, and recognizing a brighter horizon, what would I find on my adventures with this open mind?

I witness myself at times sharing all my “outrageous fortune,” which, let me just say, has been monumental, it seems. I want to share what it is like to be a sailor, maybe even a pirate, and claim all the treasures belong outside the grasp of those who do not know how to share. I love the image of searching for buried treasures and then sharing the wealth with those who have not recognized their own as of yet.

I can see the beauty, the brilliant becoming, these opportunities to share understanding, transformation, and a higher power that is waiting for us to decide. It is like reaching a crossroads and my soul asking, “Which path will you choose?”

It is also realizing, after making that choice, the Universe opens the doors to opportunities, new connections to real, authentic connections of support, who truly value your soul. I can feel the synchronicities, love, and potential the future holds for everyone. I observe people, and I witness them becoming as I become a greater version of myself.

Up until now, my experiences have been traumatic, outlandishly chaotic, and destructive. I felt I had to continually fight against a system of repression, labels, rules, and logic. I have fought to advocate for others, to be seen, to be heard, to be valued, to be accepted, and to be understood. I know what it is like to just want one person to understand. In the end, I had to create an understanding for myself, I had to transcend the labels, the rules, the logic, and find a deep peace knowing I am gifted, guided, guarded, and loved by forces I cannot see.

We claim we’re ready to shed the pain and the patterns of the past, desperate for the new—so why do we keep betraying ourselves by choosing the old, outdated versions? The same versions we complain about, we cry about, and we feel disempowered in. The same versions that keep us separate from our true hearts' longing and our true souls' desires.

I have gone inward to find the answers. I am beginning to believe that I have been provided with many painful favors. It is like swords in the Tarot; they bring disappointment, angst, and cut to the core of our understanding. The swords also represent communication, courage, and the ability to cut our connections to the lies we have been telling ourselves.

I use the Mirror to look at myself and see where within myself I hold fears, avoidance, and rejection. It is not about anyone else, it is about me! The people in my life who cause certain reactions, I have learned, I hold that somewhere in myself, and I must learn to recognize, adapt, and change.

I am learning to be Rawthentic!

What fears am I allowing to keep me locked in a prison?

What am I avoiding that keeps me separated from what I desire?

What am I rejecting within myself that causes the heartbreak I experience?

In my experience, we label. Generalize and victimize - point fingers and place blame on something, someone outside of ourselves, for our feelings and behaviors. I have an education, experiences, and my personal journey through trauma and toxic relationships, which provide me with resources to recognize this in myself.

This is a personal, individual, unique journey, and honoring it sometimes means walking away. Instead of pointing fingers at others, I have to remember, when I point a finger at someone, I have 3 pointing back. In certain cultures, the fingers all represent certain values and concepts.

The finger we use to point at people when we are angry is associated with leadership and ambition; it is the ego trying to control the narrative. It is the “trigger finger, the one that pulls the lever back on a gun. The bullets we shoot are accusations, questions about character, and how actions sometimes come with lethal reactions. It is the name-calling, the threats, the power of holding freedom from another.

Interestingly enough, the three fingers pointed back at us, the middle finger represents responsibility and balance. Ring finger, love and commitment, pinky, connections to family and friends. I find it interesting when we are telling other people how it is, blaming them for an experience, metaphorically finger-pointing, we use our leadership and ambition as “authority” over them, but we are pointing the responsibility, balance, love, commitment, and connections back at ourselves. So, I choose to step back, fold that finger into my palm, and maybe even choose a mudra and mantra to calm myself and maintain my own self-control. I embody, “do not seek to find someone to validate your value, they may be wrong.” Jessica States

This is not victim shaming or blaming; this is a pure shift in consciousness. Yes, up until now, I have been a victim, I have been abused, I have been hurt, I have been rejected, people have acted without consent and been possessed by certain frequencies and vibrations, and I had to do the work of healing for myself. I cannot heal for another; it just takes me back to the pain I have already transcended. I cannot help another; it just prevents them from accessing their own inner compass and strength. I can show compassion, grace, and accept them where they are; I can choose to let go of the outcome.

It is definitely like leading a horse to water; you cannot make them drink. In fact, many people will often question whether there is poison in the water. I have even requested a royal taste tester for myself, “Please, sir, will you taste this and tell me what you think, to see if they die from what I am being served. He enjoyed the drink and said, “You are safe.” Thankfully, his face didn’t contort, he did not gag, and he definitely did not die. It would have put a big damper on the wedding for sure.

I have found that by being “rejected,” I have been given time to go within myself; rejection is protection, as so many say. I get to choose the meaning. Did someone find me unworthy of their time, or was my higher power protecting me from further darkness?

How do we talk about the people who have hurt us? This is important. Now, I understand in relationships, some people come from a place of lack and not abundance. We enter relationships to fill some void, which can never be filled. It is supposed to cure some inner turmoil we have. We fight the voices inside that tell us, This isn’t it. We fight the urges to take a different path. We settle for less than we really deserve, all the time lying to everyone around us that we are happy. “Yes, this is what I really want.” We adopt roles, we take on traits, and we pretend we are not screaming from the inside.

We live on the surface. We live for recognition, money, and connection to outside influences who lead us astray. Every success book I have read says things like, keep your circle small, your life is a reflection of the 5 people you choose to associate with. I am not saying judge people, I am saying be discerning of how people act, what they say, and what their lives look like. What they say is important; it determines the life they experience. Do they have anything I desire? It doesn’t matter the role they have in my life, either. This is my life, I only have one. Do I want to live like others, for others, or do I want to create for myself?

It is an act of discernment, and as I said, it isn’t about judgment. If I throw the first stone, it will be at who I am outgrowing, what is not worthy of who I am becoming, and the mindset that keeps me locked in my own fortress.

I forgive the versions of myself who experienced the pain, the ones who still shows up today trying to create the same chaos, and instead of rejecting them, I hold them close, let them cry, and show them the new boat I bought.

I am not obligated to save anyone anymore. I am bound to a higher power that protects, provides, and presents me with gifts. My purpose is not to create more pain, more chaos, more distractions; it is to create more trust, deeper connections, and greater understanding. It is about gratitude, forgiveness, and heaven on earth. Instead of drifting towards the people who are unable to see the forest for the trees, I am gifted with places where there is celebration, safety, and love.

I have visions, I have feelings; feelings are sacred. They either provide me with evidence of success or a contrast to the success I desire. I have been studying failure. There is no such thing as failure, just experiments that did not work out. Now, it is time to explore what went right and what did not. It is time to try another experiment and see what values it brings.

I am learning to create the feelings within myself, with no expectations. It is just feedback, like the radio I explained before. It is time to dial it in a little more.

Many of us just celebrated Thanksgiving. I am not blind to the fact, I am very blessed. I have had years where Thanksgiving was stressful, marked by conflict and heavy friction. I shoved the pain, the past transgressions down, and walked with my head held high. This year felt different.

This was, fundamentally, an invitation to shift consciousness—a perception, a reawakening to my life by simply choosing what I see. I lean into the wisdom of Saint Augustine, who whispered across the ages, "Faith is to believe what you do not yet see; the reward for this faith is to see what you believe."

I pray our collective faith manifests a reality of grace and renewal. In the afterglow of my recent communion of Thanksgiving, I am reminded of the profound power of acknowledgment. To truly see and honor what is present in our lives that is good, sacred, and holy. It was an act of faith to recognize the spiritual abundance available. This is what births genuine appreciation, deepens sacred connection, and nurtures the holistic well-being of our minds, bodies, and spirits.

Yet, I hold space for the tender truth: when the soul has lost something precious—a cherished being of light—the pervasive presence of grief is undeniable. We honor this sacred sorrow, recognizing it as a testament to the depth of our love. My love remains, and I can move on to share it again, with a new and greater understanding of my values and the gifts I have been granted.

I have to say, in the past, I have loved the easy way out. I ran, I avoided, and I pushed against the challenges that real love and commitment require. I am not anymore. I am taking responsibility for myself, my behaviors, and how I have contributed to the pain and suffering.

It is not the person I wish to escape; it is the frequency. My nervous system understands the comfort of the known, the drama, the chaos, and the mindset that keeps me down, depressed, anxious, lonely, and scared. I have learned, I can have peace, I can have love, and I can have the life I dream of. It takes time, it takes patience, and it takes faith in a higher power that wants what I want. As I have come to understand, “The Universe has my back.” What else could I need?

I can rewire my programming. It is scientifically proven through neuroscience, neurobiology, and neuroplasticity. I have to change my core beliefs and know, I am safe in my body, I am lovable.
I am worthy of love, and so much more.

I am regulating the nervous system! I work in an environment where I hear trauma, I hear pain, I hear heartbreak, I hear the worst of experiences, and I must protect myself. When you hear someone talk about painful things, you can embody this within yourself. This, too, is a scientifically proven fact. If someone trauma dumps on you, you feel and receive that trauma in your own body, and it connects to your experiences. The body keeps score. I never realized how much I was taking on of other people's pain, connecting it to my own, and attempting to heal so much at once. I am a strong woman, but I am not strong enough to carry everyone’s pain. I tried it. It sucked.

I sit with myself, I give up scrolling, I give up streaming, and I work at being cognizant about sharing my pain. Instead, I feel it, I alchemize it, and create a new story. Talking about it with others only continues the pain and unburdens theirs. I do not wish to share or connect in this way. I choose to connect with authenticity and unconditional love.

I contemplate changes I need to make. Non-negotiables, because I feel I can be drawn into negotiating anything that makes others happy. Like Tim McGraw sings, “Just to see you smile..” This is where I am now, blank pages waiting to be filled with bucket lists, yes, no, and maybe. I am excited and humbled by where I find myself now. I am excited and welcome what the Universe wants to share as I go to the end of the light I can see, and take the next step.

Here I go…

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Are you the one hiding in the shadows, bringing out the pain, staying connected to what drives you insane?

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