David Cubbin’s explorations

Feelings…..
We have such a weird relationship with our feelings…. As children we are programmed what we should and should not feel…. If a feeling arises within us spontaneously sometimes it is encouraged and sometimes it’s classed differently and we need to stop feeling it immediately…..

Just to give you a flavour of what I’m talking about…. As young boys when we were distraught and in tears we were instructed to stop crying…. Or we’d be given something to cry about…. When we weren’t happy…. Why aren’t you happy… smile dammit…. What’s wrong with you…?
Why aren’t you playing with those children….whats wrong with you? When your parents hadn’t seen that said kids were bullies and were more interested in handing out wedgies than anything else…. Maybe at this point close your eyes and go back in time and see if you can recall occasions when you felt something but were told it was wrong…. This is all part of our conditioning that has lead us to where we are now…. And it carries on into adulthood…. We feel love for someone…. But apparently we’re only supposed to feel love for our spouses… we walk past a gorgeous human who isn’t our spouse…. They’re gorgeous…. Is it wrong to be turned on?
You feel rage at someone for doing something…. But hey… you’re an evolved being and you’re not supposed to feel anger….? Basically over time it’s become second nature to feel something and immediately repress it …. Or adjust it to something more socially acceptable….

So basically there are no wrong feelings…. Nothing you feel is actually wrong… it’s real for you … it’s a feeling which arose…. But you’re a conscious being and have a choice in how to respond…. There in lies the difference.
Everything you feel is ok…. How you choose to respond is what makes the difference…..

So if you’re feeling angry because your husband got home late from work and forgot your anniversary…. It’s totally acceptable to feel the rage… and tell him “I’m angry as hell because I had cooked dinner and you got home late and you forgot our special day…. I was really hoping you’d make a fuss of our anniversary”….. but it’s not ok to smack him in the head with a frying pan! I know this is a simple example but I’m just trying to illustrate how some feelings we’ve been taught are “wrong”…. When actually they’re healthy…. And are actually there for our benefit.

If you get home and your wife starts screaming and shouting for no apparent reason….. and the ferocity and surprise of it makes you want to retreat to a safe space…. Take a breathe…. And know that she’s had a long day with children and is feeling abandoned and lonely…. Which is ok…. And youre feeling of wanting to withdraw to a safe place is also real and ok….
What’s not ok is for you to react to your wife and call her a crazy bitch…. And tell her she’s always irrational…. And what’s wrong with you…..?
Her rage is also real for her…. What’s wrong would be for her to start throwing tinned food at you…. And insulting you ect….i think you get the jist of this….

We should not be feeling guilt or shame for feelings that are arising spontaneously within us…. We should just be mindful of how we choose to respond to those feelings….

So going forward just try to be more aware of your feelings….and know that they’re valid…. And particularly in relationship learn to express your feelings…and learn to hear your partner’s feelings without the need to get defensive…. Maybe when things are going well practice…. “ I get really angry when you do that…. It makes me feel unworthy….”
“ I feel really sad when you’re away on a business trip and you don’t call me every day…. It reminds me of how my father spent all his time with my brothers but wouldn’t spend any time with me…. It makes me feel abandoned and unseen”

So play around and find areas in your life where you suppress feelings because they’re awkward…. And uncomfortable…. Or simply apparently socially unacceptable…. You get to decide what’s normal…. You get to determine how the authentic version of you gets to show up in the world….

Feel everything you’re feeling…. It’s ok

David cubbin

It’s fascinating to watch how humans adapt over time and slowly adopt different mechanisms in order to protect themselves…. We think we’re so clever with our carefully constructed defence systems. Sometimes however we create traps that trap us in in a closed loop that will keep us stuck in a pattern for the rest of our lives

In an ideal world we are aware of our shortcomings…. We shine a light of awareness where we need to and in so doing we are able to undo our shackles and grow. It’s really difficult most of the time to see our shadow…. It’s sort of like trying to see the back of your head without a mirror. What’s very helpful is to surround yourself with friends and a partner who is able to be a mirror for you… to in a loving way tell you what they see… and offer you guidance. It is important that this mirroring process is done from the heart or else it will not be received well.

If you have a tendency to always be the victim…. To complain….to blame others at the drop of a hat… to be reactive and always project outwardly…. Be quick to lose your temper and point out what the other….or everyone else is doing wrong…. You’re basically stuck. Your responses will generally be copy paste for the rest of your days… and it’s difficult because sometimes we’re not even aware that we’re operating like this.

It’s destructive in that by avoiding accountability we are never able to correct our mistakes…. And it becomes difficult for those around you as the victim mentality is normally associated with the tendency to persecute…. So in a nutshell it’s never your fault and everyone else is a sh*t….

It’s sort of like turning an oil tanker…. Start surrounding yourself with people who are willing and able to give you reflection… ask those you love if they can see anything that you’re doing that you can improve upon….it might be tough in the beginning and you might well get defensive but at least you’ll start waking up everyday as a slightly better version of who you were the day before.

This is a pretty simplistic view of things and there might well be other dynamics that need to be looked at…. Our relationships with friends and lovers are a dance between two dancers always and we each play a role in the dance.

The trick is to be mature enough to own up to your role in the dance so that whoever you end up dancing with in the future is able to start enjoying the dance more deeply…. And as you start improving and becoming a more accomplished dancer those you dance with will inadvertently become more accomplished dancers themselves.

So when relationships are flowing well take the opportunity to improve the way you dance…. The next time you react you’re able to catch yourself…. Or your partners able to catch you…. And the dance gets deeper and becomes more blissful.

There’s no timeline…. You’re unique and the way you dance is yours and yours alone. The joy you’re able to extract from the dance depends totally on how committed you are love and connection….

Aaaah I hear music….. go dance.

David cubbin

You can search for enlightenment till the end of your days ....
You will search....
You will get frustrated because you're never quite sure....
And you will search....
And seek....
And in the end you will find home....
Not in enlightenment....
But in a deep connection with those you love....
With those who understand the song your soul sings....
With those in whose presence your sigh is an eternal or**sm of feeling safe.... And a complete and utter surrender to what is ....
An acceptance of this.... As it is in this moment....
As perfection.
In acknowledging that nothing was ever broken.
Peace is your choice now....
Eternal freedom is yours for the taking in the thrust of every moment....
This beautiful moment is all there ever was.... And all there will ever be.
Until the curtain closes....
Then who knows....
Who is the who that cares....
Just be....
Just be....
Just be....

And when you're fully present in the full glory of your authenticity....

Then you haven't arrived.... You have become all you were ever supposed to be....
An eternal expression of the divine.... Showing up in human form.... To dance your brilliant perfection.
To love
To hold
To grow
To be a beacon for others as their ships flounder in the night...

To just be
To just be
To just be the eternal expression of love

And if the "I" that is seeking enlightenment is still curious.... Who knows....
Maybe now you are ....

And if you're still concerned about enlightenment....
Be gentle with yourself...
Be kind...
Surrender more....
Dissolve
Be
Just be
Love
There was never anything to achieve....
There was never something to achieve....
There is just the most magnificent mystery....
Just thankyou
Gratitude....
Fall to your knees and worship the miracle of this moment.....
And this moment....
And this moment.....
And this moment........

David cubbin

Communicate authentically…. Speak your truth.
This is pretty much what we all strive for…. Particularly in long term relationships with people we love…. It sounds simple but it seems it is anything but…. From reading and speaking to people and watching clips by apparent relationship gurus it’s a pretty complex dynamic that plays itself out in the cauldron of speaking from the hip so to say…..

Basically what happens is we all feel free to speak our truths in the moment but the way in which it is received determines if it becomes a habit or whether it becomes something that is buried in the basement…. If you speak truthfully and you’re met with fury and defensiveness ….. after somewhere between 3 and 5 times the idea of speaking your truth will no longer seem like a viable option for most and it will be sidelined for the traditional chat about the standard “what’s for dinner”…… “ who’s collecting the kids from school tomorrow” and other safe and mundane conversation.

Before I go any further I would like to emphasise that in any relationship there is a dance between two people and there are many ways of reacting negatively to our partners truth…. Screaming and shouting…. Slamming doors…. Manipulative tears… condescending looks and silent treatment…. Spiteful behaviour ect ect…. We’re all guilty at some level. If you think you’re an angel and your partner is wholly to blame possibly a little introspection is in order to connect to who you actually are…. Not the shop front you’ve created over time to satisfy societies requirements of who and what a desirable human being should look like…. Go explore your darkness…. It’s splendid in the basement.

My aim here is to remove blame and create an understanding of what is required for people who love each other to be able to speak honestly …. Without fear…. Because only once this is in place can our relationships truly thrive. Relationships riddled with unexpressed fears, desires…. Dreams ect. Are like a tortoise trying to run through peanut butter… falling asleep at night angry and full of resentment for things that were said…. And things unsaid by you are unhealthy both physically and for the relationship.

Firstly I think it is up to us to be aware of ourselves…. Our conditioning and how we show up in the world when it comes to communicating with someone we love knowing that we’re triggered easily perhaps….? Maybe we tend to freeze…. Or tend to explode….. project… our inner child crawls into a ball and we start to cry…. Whatever it is it’s all good and ok…. We just need to be aware of it…and ideally we need to have an honest conversation with our partners about it and explore these patterns openly…. Here our partners could possibly offer us some wisdom about ourselves that we’re unaware of… just make sure it’s an offering from the heart with a beneficial uncovering of whatever it takes to serve the truth going forward….. so now that we’ve had the explorative conversations and we have got to the point where something has triggered you and silence is not the healthy option….

Firstly consider your partners nervous system….. as well as your own…
If you attack your partner as he walks through the front door after a full day of stressful meetings it’s simply going to end up in a mess…. Don’t point out your wife’s terrible cooking after a terrible night with a sick child…. I think you get my point,,,? Have the emotional maturity to check in with your partner first… “ how are you feeling…? There’s something I really need to talk to you about….. do you have capacity….? Can you hold space for me to vent….? “ and your partner as a sovereign being can say…. Yes or no…. Or maybe not just now but how’s tonight look once the kids are asleep…. Organise a time that suits you both…. Or do it immediately if possible.

As the expressor of your truth remember to use “I” language…. Try not to blame …..and express yourself from the heart…. Be vulnerable. As the listener…. Listen…. Not with a view to respond…. But listen…. Try and connect with where your partner is at…. If you have capacity encourage them to open up more…. To be truly heard is one of the most exquisite sensations possible…. Some people even confuse it with love…. It’s magic and something well worth striving towards….when you’ve truly been heard you’ll feel it in your body…. It’s not an intellectual experience.

I think it was Nietzsche who said “ there is my reality and your reality…..and then the actual reality”…. So try and have an open mind during these dialogues…. In relationships reaching a compromise at times is crucial…. For some reason people seem to think that a compromise is conceding a loss…. But essentially it is finding a middle way between your views…. Exploring and finding a new way with which both parties are content…. And maybe leaving behind outdated beliefs or whatever is no longer serving….

Stay open… stay curious….. be childlike in your search for understanding …. Explorations often lead to growth and new understandings and a deepening of connection. It is also important here to also be accountable if you were wrong…. If you were don’t hesitate to apologise…. Don’t fall into endlessly defending and blaming….. have the maturity to say ….. I was an asshole…. I messed up, I’m sorry….I love you. A sincere apology implies a heartfelt attempt to change the behaviour…. Don’t just say the words…. Change. As a final point it is important to treat all the information shared as sacred… don’t use any information that was shared at a later date to put your partner down… basically treat the one you love in the same way that you would like to be treated….

In closing just a reminder that you’re a team and you continuously have the choice whether you want your connection to deepen…. You can choose to grow together and growth means there will be pain, discomfort and tears… these phases will be much more easily navigated if we’re aware of both our shortcomings and our gold when it comes to communication… So your choice in the moment is do you want to be the average couple full of resentment but smiling…. Or do you truly want to strive towards a fully conscious relationship ( not the Disney bu****it with princesses an knights on white horses )….. I’m talking about a real relationship…. That’s messy with real depth and true connection…. A relationship with truth at its core.

David cubbin